Friday, February 4, 2011

Super Bowl commercial predictions

To anyone not familiar with the rules of football, the Super Bowl means three hours of confusion.  Why did the ref throw that flag?  Who the hell knows and shut the fuck up.  For non-fans, the only moment of clarity comes during the halftime show.  But if you're not into watching your idols destroy their legacy in one fell swoop, seek solace in commercials.  And anyway, no one gives a shit about the Steelers-Packers match-up so you might as well settle in with our predictions for this year's lineup.

A commercial that equally pisses off gays and straights
In a classic example of self-cannibalizing pop culture, news sites have been covering the release of Doritos ads which feature strong gay overtones.  While any idiot could see that the ads are a cynical ploy for free publicity, these same idiots have taken to the message boards to protest the homophobic/pro-homo ads.  Here's a hint: Doritos' only agenda is to sell Doritos.  No matter what appendage is put in which orifice, they want to see nacho cheesier dust all about your face hole.

Something that makes me feel like a lesbian
Whether it's NFL cheerleaders or Heineken reminding me that I should like shoes more than I like beer, female sports fans are always faced with a conundrum: Do I give in and wear this nice fashion jersey to accentuate my curves?  Or do I just put on a Viking hat, smear some eye black, and avert my gaze from every pair of sweaty breasts I'm confronted with?  Search me.  The point is, if I'm just really invested in the narrative of this commercial and want to see how it ends at I'm going to fucking do it.

A real puzzler of a conundrum

A product which has absolutely no reason to market itself anymore
Look, Snickers, I'm fully aware that you still exist.  But I'm also aware that high fructose corn syrup exists and is really, really bad for you.  Or is it?  Anyway, until Al Gore lets me know I'm going to have to pass.  Wait, what?  Snicks Peanut Butter?  Jesus H.

A talking baby or talking animal
If we're lucky this year will feature precious, wonderful puppies and zero babies.  I cannot deal with that H&R Block baby talking down to me anymore.  I may not know what a hedge fund is but at least I can wipe.

Vague, morality ad by the Christian Right
Maybe it's the two weekly hours of MTV programming, but I've been seeing a lot of ads for  Just for good measure, the LDS Church will buy ad space to remind us exactly how wealthy, powerful, and mysterious Mormons are.  But mostly it'll just remind me of this Xtr3me billboard I saw in Florida and make me giggle.  A lot.

Subtlety is a dirty slut.

And you'll miss it, because you'll be peeing like a dumbass.  That'll teach you to be a slave to your bladder.

A 180-minute ad for women's crisis centers
Or in other words, the Super Bowl.

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