Friday, February 11, 2011

How to Survive Valentine's Day and other banal titles


Now I’m no scientist, but I don’t think there's ever been a successful Valentine’s Day in the history of mankind.  As a single person your only options are righteous indignation, apathy that is perceived as righteous indignation, or the Self-Loathing Triathalon; crying inconsolably, binge eating, and texting your ex.  If you’re in a relationship, you will inevitably end up disappointing or being disappointed by your partner.  “But I’m a postmodern feminist!” you shriek, man-hating harpy that you are.  “I don’t buy into Hallmark’s bullshit propaganda machine!”  We’ve all told ourselves that, but when ten o’clock hits and he still hasn’t sent you so much as a Facebook Gift of two robots holding hands, all the Virgina Woolf in the world won’t spare him your wrath.

In an effort to lessen VJJ Day anguish, here are some tips on how to weather the holiday with aplomb.  If you’re lucky, it’ll just be another day of obligatory, soul-withering existence.  And if you're emotionally honest and in a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship?  In that case I'll kindly ask you to take your business elsewhere.

Tip #1: Do read Cosmo.
Please spend at least thirty minutes perusing the delusional romantic advice doled out by the retarded geniuses at Cosmo.  Men, be glad that your girlfriend isn’t dumb enough to believe that using your weiner as a hammer is a turn on.  Women, be glad your life doesn’t consist of writing copy about Lauren Conrad’s hair extensions.  It’s the same feeling you get during The Killing Fields when Dith Pran wakes up in a field of fetid human remains and you’re like, “Well, my life isn’t that bad.”  You know?  Just like that.
Snapple Facts are fine.
Tip #2: Don’t buy candy with a message.
I don’t even like chocolate, but for a few days every month even I’m susceptible to its siren call.  Dove is attractive because its priced somewhere between deadbeat Hershey and swanky Godiva, and it seduces you with its smooth, rich taste.  But by the fifth chocolate you begin to notice strange quotes on the wrappers.  There is no bigger boner killer in the world than advice like “Be mischievous.  It feels good.” and “Listen to your heart and dance.”  Your food-induced bliss will be stripped away and strewn like so many discarded foils on a living room carpet.  You will eat and read in a perpetual cycle of gain and loss, before you finally shout to the heavens, “Where is your dime store psychology now, Dove?  Why hast thou forsaken me?!”  Maybe stick to some nice box of Russell Stover is what I’m saying.

Tip #3: Do avoid drinking.
On a day like this, you want to avoid anything that might be rattling around in your empty shell of a heart.  Wine is the biggest culprit, but all alcohol will amplify whatever feelings you still have for that chump who dumped you on Groundhog Day of all thingsIf you want to have fun, my recommendation is to abuse prescription meds, some nice friendly lorazepam or a Valium.  And hey, why not throw a couple my way?  After all, relationships end but friends are forever.  Seriously though I'm in the market.

Tip #4: Do turn off your router.
If at all possible, stay away from the Internet.  Even an innocuous trip to Facebook can turn into stalking your crush, or worse, "following" him or her on Twitter.  You're going to want to keep yourself away from the temptation of Big Brother, and the only way to do that is to disable your connection.  I think you can do that by turning off the router but as I said, I'm no scientist.

Good luck, and happy Monday!

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