Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Bad Haircuts I Have Had

I hate my hair. It's curly without being truly wavy or without being a jewfro. When I sweat (and I sweat a lot), it sticks down to my bangs and makes me look like a big sweaty geek. Sometimes I end up having to wear a do-rag so that it doesn't get all over my eyes.

And the do-rag makes me look like a goddamn moron. Do you see what I'm doing there? I have no idea if I'm trying to do a limp-wristed Thriller dance or pretending to be a limp-wristed cat or just being a limp-wristed moron.

But I digress. My hair is pretty much the worst. "So, J. Schechner, why not get a haircut you love and learn how to maintain that style?" Well, first, I hate learning new things and especially hair things. Secondly, I can't fucking get a good haircut to save my life. Never could, never will.

Some of this might be because I get physically ill if I spend more than $20 bucks on a haircut. But I think it's a result of years of follicle abuse.

Ages 0 to 1/2: Bald Baby
I was a bald baby, like most babies. And while I was a cute little fucker, I had to wait about a year for my first bad haircut.

Ages 1 to 12: The "Little Businessman"
This is my mom's doing. She meant well, I'm sure. But, still, the "little businessman"? I was a dorky kid in school, pre-pubescent, wearing sweatpants all the time. That doesn't sound like any businessman that existed at the time. And now that the internet bubble's deflating, there aren't any businessmen like that now.   Really, I should've had this haircut when I was 13 or 14. But, well...

Ages 13 to 16: Shaved to Lame to Medium Length to Shaved Again
Lookin' like a skinhead, feelin' like a loser. This haircut was the primary reason that I wore hats at all in school. Courtesy of the talkative hairdressers at Supercuts, who always asked if I had a girlfriend while giving me the haircut responsible for the "no" answer, I unfortunately am solely responsible for this cut. My bullheaded pubescent stubbornness forced me to walk to the Supercuts by myself (armed with $20 extorted from my folks) ans ask them to make it "short".  And when they started to get rid of the whole crop, I didn't want to speak up. But you know what they say: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me for about three years, I really should've just pointed to a picture in a magazine.

Ages 16 to 19: Fuck It, Just Let It Grow And See What Happens
The only haircuts I ever got during this period was when I was in a play and the director demanded I cut my hair. Other than that, the only hair care I did was regular washing. I ended up looking kinda like a lion. A big curly brown-haired lion.

Age 19: Mohawk
I had a mohawk.

Ages 20 to Present: "1 Inch All Around"
Top to bottom: Haircut, author, onion rings.
Here you go, Mr. Greek Barber, here is my money. Please cut this down to 1 inch. Now cut the hair and if we can not make idle conversation I'd really appreciate it. Thanks. Oh, we're done? Great, see you in three to six months.

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