Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Tuesday Lists: Reasons to Visit Atlantic City

  • Fell into a wormhole, ended up in a time before Vegas
  • Deadbeat dad convention!!!!
  • To prove how well you're coping with the breakup
  • You wonder what happened to all those business assholes from college
  • Someone has a gun to your head and is demanding you drive them to Atlantic City
  • Casinos sometimes have free lemonade
  • Someone needs to dance in these waist-high bubbles

Friday, February 11, 2011

How to Survive Valentine's Day and other banal titles

Now I’m no scientist, but I don’t think there's ever been a successful Valentine’s Day in the history of mankind.  As a single person your only options are righteous indignation, apathy that is perceived as righteous indignation, or the Self-Loathing Triathalon; crying inconsolably, binge eating, and texting your ex.  If you’re in a relationship, you will inevitably end up disappointing or being disappointed by your partner.  “But I’m a postmodern feminist!” you shriek, man-hating harpy that you are.  “I don’t buy into Hallmark’s bullshit propaganda machine!”  We’ve all told ourselves that, but when ten o’clock hits and he still hasn’t sent you so much as a Facebook Gift of two robots holding hands, all the Virgina Woolf in the world won’t spare him your wrath.

In an effort to lessen VJJ Day anguish, here are some tips on how to weather the holiday with aplomb.  If you’re lucky, it’ll just be another day of obligatory, soul-withering existence.  And if you're emotionally honest and in a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship?  In that case I'll kindly ask you to take your business elsewhere.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

"Mad Men" Freaks Me Out

I'm not saying it's bad! Don't worry! I've never even seen a whole episode. But I can't get past how this one time back when I was living somewhere where I had cable, which was so long ago that Mad Men was not yet a phenomenon/mania/cultural touchstone, I saw a minute or so of it and I promptly stopped watching. I changed the channel. It happened. What the fuck, right? I was watching at Don (or somebody, I didn't know characters at the time) stare suggestively and uncomfortably silently across his desk at Joan (again, could have been someone else) and I just...changed the channel. It was making me uncomfortable.

Then today there's this essay about how this fellow watched the entire series and came to the sort of unbelievable conclusion that it sucks. And reading it, I realized what my deal was exactly. Everything seemed unduly sexy in those 30 or so seconds I saw. The guy was probably holding a bourbon and the woman was standing all curvily in front of him, and the show seemed to be saying, "Yeah, once you could drink at work even though that's a retarded idea and women used to be sexually harrassed way more and kept in subordinate positions because of institutionalized misogyny, and isn't that sexy?" And I thought, "Nope! It's not!" and changed the channel.

I still haven't watched it and I probably just need to try again. Although I'm pretty bad at watching TV that isn't comedy, so odds are slim that I would do this on my own unless someone directed me to a site to watch it and recommended an episode that has very few long silences filled with vacuous, steamy stares. But two things still sort of scare me about Mad Men. First, I'm afraid I'd watch it and not like it and become a social pariah. But I'm even more afraid that Mad Men is actually bad. What if that guy was right, and everyone else in the world is wrong? What does that say about us? My God, what if the smartest members of our society were bamboozled by period dress and everyone smoking sexily all the time? The whole idea freaks me out. I hope for everyone's sake that it's actually really good, and I'll probably continue to not watch it. I'm too scared.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Tuesday Lists: Real New Yorkers

  • Pretend not to know the words to "Empire State of Mind" but end up drunkenly shouting them out
  • Are rich. Or desperately poor.
  • Have been taken down a notch after accidentally referring to the NYT as "The Times" in front of people back home
  • Have cockroaches that scare their Roombas
  • Close their eyes at the Rockefeller tree lighting
  • Have "signs of bedbugs" in their recent Google searches
  • Lean against the doors. Bitch.

Bad Haircuts I Have Had

I hate my hair. It's curly without being truly wavy or without being a jewfro. When I sweat (and I sweat a lot), it sticks down to my bangs and makes me look like a big sweaty geek. Sometimes I end up having to wear a do-rag so that it doesn't get all over my eyes.

And the do-rag makes me look like a goddamn moron. Do you see what I'm doing there? I have no idea if I'm trying to do a limp-wristed Thriller dance or pretending to be a limp-wristed cat or just being a limp-wristed moron.

But I digress. My hair is pretty much the worst. "So, J. Schechner, why not get a haircut you love and learn how to maintain that style?" Well, first, I hate learning new things and especially hair things. Secondly, I can't fucking get a good haircut to save my life. Never could, never will.

Some of this might be because I get physically ill if I spend more than $20 bucks on a haircut. But I think it's a result of years of follicle abuse.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Friday, February 4, 2011

Super Bowl commercial predictions

To anyone not familiar with the rules of football, the Super Bowl means three hours of confusion.  Why did the ref throw that flag?  Who the hell knows and shut the fuck up.  For non-fans, the only moment of clarity comes during the halftime show.  But if you're not into watching your idols destroy their legacy in one fell swoop, seek solace in commercials.  And anyway, no one gives a shit about the Steelers-Packers match-up so you might as well settle in with our predictions for this year's lineup.

A commercial that equally pisses off gays and straights
In a classic example of self-cannibalizing pop culture, news sites have been covering the release of Doritos ads which feature strong gay overtones.  While any idiot could see that the ads are a cynical ploy for free publicity, these same idiots have taken to the message boards to protest the homophobic/pro-homo ads.  Here's a hint: Doritos' only agenda is to sell Doritos.  No matter what appendage is put in which orifice, they want to see nacho cheesier dust all about your face hole.

Something that makes me feel like a lesbian
Whether it's NFL cheerleaders or Heineken reminding me that I should like shoes more than I like beer, female sports fans are always faced with a conundrum: Do I give in and wear this nice fashion jersey to accentuate my curves?  Or do I just put on a Viking hat, smear some eye black, and avert my gaze from every pair of sweaty breasts I'm confronted with?  Search me.  The point is, if I'm just really invested in the narrative of this commercial and want to see how it ends at GoDaddy.com I'm going to fucking do it.

A real puzzler of a conundrum

A product which has absolutely no reason to market itself anymore
Look, Snickers, I'm fully aware that you still exist.  But I'm also aware that high fructose corn syrup exists and is really, really bad for you.  Or is it?  Anyway, until Al Gore lets me know I'm going to have to pass.  Wait, what?  Snicks Peanut Butter?  Jesus H.

A talking baby or talking animal
If we're lucky this year will feature precious, wonderful puppies and zero babies.  I cannot deal with that H&R Block baby talking down to me anymore.  I may not know what a hedge fund is but at least I can wipe.

Vague, morality ad by the Christian Right
Maybe it's the two weekly hours of MTV programming, but I've been seeing a lot of ads for Values.com.  Just for good measure, the LDS Church will buy ad space to remind us exactly how wealthy, powerful, and mysterious Mormons are.  But mostly it'll just remind me of this Xtr3me billboard I saw in Florida and make me giggle.  A lot.

Subtlety is a dirty slut.

And you'll miss it, because you'll be peeing like a dumbass.  That'll teach you to be a slave to your bladder.

A 180-minute ad for women's crisis centers
Or in other words, the Super Bowl.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Conductor's Note: Socialize With Us

Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud that you are witnessing the latest step of the lanky, vomiting toddler that is Insufficient Fare. If you take a gander at the column on your left, you will see that not only do we now have a Twitter account you can follow for instant comedy, but we also have a Facebook fan page. So you can like this, and then all your friends will see that you've got more taste than you know what to do with.

And a big "Thank you!" to the IF IT Team for setting all this up.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Dear stranger who may have disabled my bike's brakes:

Hey, settle down! Take it easy! I'm not saying you did it one way or another! It's possible that when I was locking up my bike, the brakes were bashed too hard against the metal fence I locked it to and they detached of their own accord. That's very possible. Hell, anything's possible! Anything in the world! It's totally possible that fitting the bike a little too snugly to the the fence as I locked it totally dislodged my front brake and partially detached the rear so that I had only one functional brake as I started riding. That is, until the rear completely crapped out so that I found myself with no functioning brakes as I was zooming towards the roundabout north of the park. That's very possible!

It just feels like I've locked it to a lot of things in the past, and this has never happened. And by "feels like," I mean, in reality, it has literally never ever  happened. But it's a crazy old world! Really crazy! I mean, the opening on the metal piece that holds the brakes together is just so tiny and is so hard to undo and reattach, it's nutty that it was undone at all, let alone accidentally!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Tuesday Lists: Unnecessary Sequels

The other ninety minutes are even better.
- Lord of the Rings 2: Just An Hour And A Half Of Dancing Hobbits
- Jurassic Park 4: There's Another Island Full Of Dinosaurs, Again
- The Happening: A Thing Happens
- After Ever After
- Every Disney sequel
- Epic Movie II: Some Shit Your Dumb Ass Will Probably Watch