Monday, January 24, 2011

Run Tweet That

After months of declaring that I would never use Twitter, I broke down recently and signed up. I gotta say, it's kinda fun to be able to launch my incredibly mundane thoughts out into the virtual ether at the click of mouse. At the same time, I find it difficult to keep coming up with tweets worth sharing (not that it really matters). Nobody wants to hear about the fart I just released at work or the funny face my cat just made. But once in a while, I do come up with something worthwhile and less than 140 characters. My goal is to increase the ratio of pithy witticisms to cat fart tweets.

I admit, it was weird that my desktop was a Twitter logo although I refused to use the service.


So when I find myself with downtime at work (i.e. when I'm not sleeping or pouring my eighth cup of coffee before lunch), I like to come up with hash tags for Twitter. Something that will inspire me, and others, to write beautiful tweets. Feel free to use them yourself. After all, a beautiful Twitter is everyone's responsibility!

#momtweets
This tag was one of the first I thought of. It's for when your mom does something that's just so... mom that you need to let the three people who actually follow you and the fifteen spambots know about it. I think this one could really catch on, because everyone has at least one mom (some people are lucky enough to have two)! Except kids raised by gay dads, I guess. And I mean actual homosexuals, not lame dads.
Samples: "mom just found my bong... thought it was a vase #momtweets"; "mom made me and my bros pizza pockets after our lacrosse game!!! #momtweets"; "mom taped a nova special on stonehenge over my pornography - thanks a lot mom now i have to buy more #momtweets"

But don't change those glasses, D. Never change those.
#DMXtips
Based on the recent success of tags like #tipsforwomen and #tipsformen, I think the time is right for this tag. DMX has had a lot of troubles lately, what with his arrests, a lack of buzz surrounding his music, and the royalties for his work in Exit Wounds and Romeo Must Die finally drying up. Let's all crowdsource some great advice for the Dog, bark bark!
Samples: "#DMXtips: try not to lie about being a government agent when you're breaking into a car"; "#DMXtips: if you call yourself the dog, try not to get arrested for animal cruelty - it makes it sound like you were abusing yourself"; "#DMXtips: don't tell the doctors in the prison mental ward that they're gonna make you lose your mind up in there"; "#DMXtips: make all your videos into these http://bit.ly/girWMD"

#placestolala
Based on the hit Ashlee Simpson song, this one is just short, simple, and goofy! List anywhere that you could "la la", except the kitchen or the floor because those are already in the song.
Samples: I'm not going to write these out in the style of tweets, so just use your imagination. And using my imagination, here are places to "la la": bed; ocean bed; Six Flags; on the set of the hit TV show Two And a Half Men; your roommate's bed.

#tweetforbaby
This is really more of a business idea that I have. Basically, people would tweet their age, current location and preferred baby gender (no guarantees, though!). Within 30 minutes in major metropolitan areas and 45 in the rest of the United States, a truck would arrive and deliver their baby! Not in the same way a doctor would deliver it, but like a pizza guy. A pizza guy handing you a squawking naked human baby. This one will make me rich, I'm certain.

#ImLookingAtANakedWomanRightNow
Self-explanatory.
Samples:  "#ImLookingAtANakedWomanRightNow location: grandma's"; "#ImLookingAtANakedWomanRightNow and i didn't even have to pay!"; "#ImLookingAtANakedWomanRightNow and trying to figure out what the clitoris actually is"

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