Monday, January 31, 2011

Cookin' With J. Schechner

I really like to cook, and I think I'm not too bad at it. A lot of the thanks goes to my mother, who always let me watch her when she was preparing dinner and put up with my questions. Even the questions about whether or not bleach was an acceptable substitute for clear broth.

So, as a treat for all you readers, I'm going to share one of my recipes. Hope you're ready to eat like royalty tonight!

Chill Chicken (Serves 8 - 10 chill bros and broettes)

Step 1: Go to the grocery store and buy a whole chicken. Be sure to select a good one. A helpful tip is to look to see if there's any breading on the chicken, or if it's shaped like a nugget. If either of these is true, you probably have chicken nuggets or fingers. While delicious, they aren't what the recipe calls for! Buy them anyways for snacks.

Step 2: Look around for some produce. Do you even know where the produce section is in this grocery store? Probably not, fatty, because all you buy are chicken nuggets. Oh, wait, there it is! Okay, so, buy an onion, some tomatoes, a couple of carrots and one of those orange spiky things. No, I don't know what they're called. Buy it anyways - maybe the lady at the cashier will think you're sexy because of your interest in exotic produce.

Step 3: Get some herbs. Good herbs for chicken include rosemary, thyme, and Herbie the Love Bug.

Step 4: Pay for all this crap at the register. Woah, how'd it get to be so much? That little thing of rosemary cost 5 bucks? What the crap. Pay for it all with your parents' credit card and try to remember to pay them back later.

Step 5: Go home and turn the oven on to, like, 375 degrees. While it heats up, chop up all the vegetables and clean the chicken. Don't slice your finger with the knife - blood is NOT a good seasoning for chicken. Remove the chicken giblets and try to figure out what they are. Throw them in the sink.

Step 6: Cram all the vegetables into the chicken's butt. Except the spiky orange thing. Leave that out where you have to see it every day and wonder what it is. Melt a stick of butter and rub it all over the chicken. Combine all the spices together in a bowl and sprinkle them on the chicken.

Step 7: By now, the oven should be fully heated! Congratulations! Go put the chicken in and set the timer for two hours. At this point, you can go and play Xbox, but remember to check on the chicken in an hour to make sure it's okay!

Step 8: Realize that you've been playing video games for four hours, and the only reason you stopped is that the smoke alarm is going off. Cut the power to the alarm and prepare to open the oven. Congratulations, you ruined the chicken. You're pathetic. You can't even roast a chicken properly. I think it's pretty obvious why you're still single.

Step 9: Remember that you bought the chicken nuggets and fingers. Re-pre-heat the oven to whatever it says on the package, and arrange the chicken on a baking sheet. Sprinkle with rosemary and thyme. Bake the nuggets and fingers for however long the instruction sheet says. Since you ruined the chicken, obviously you shouldn't trust your own judgement.

Step 10: Plate and serve nuggets and fingers, with accompanying sauces: ketchup, BBQ, and honey mustard.

Bon app├ętit!

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