Monday, January 10, 2011

Cataholism: The Fluffy Killer

My name is J. Schechner, and I'm a cataholic. I love cats. I especially love my cat. That's right. I'm here, and I love furry felines. Get used to it, traditional standards of masculinity!

This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who's read this blog before. I talk about cats a lot. One of my favorite blogs is about a kickass cat. I even added this collection to my Netflix queue because I hoped that there would be some cool exclusive clips of funny and cute cats.

But, you know what, there are some cat lovers out there who can even put me to shame. I want to share some of these warning signs. If any of your friends exhibit two or more of these symptoms, please get them help. Except if they're me, because I swear to god, anyone who steps to me and says I love cats too much will get SLAPPED THE FUCK DOWN.


"Yeah, just try to pet me. I dare you."

1) Ascribing emotions to a cat that are more complicated than "sleepy" or "hungry" or "crazy"

 Have you ever heard someone say that their cat was being "naughty" earlier that day? Or that they are "crazy in love" with their little fake mouse toys? Well, guess what? Cats are not into emotions, and they don't have them. Why does a cat curl up in your lap? It's warm. Why does a cat eat a treat out of your hand? Because it tastes good and it's there. Why does a cat bite and scratch you? Because you got all up in its face and now its going to fucking TEAR YOU APART. Bitch, it's got like 18 claws and a mouth! You can't win!

Now this symptom doesn't mean that you can't have emotions for the cat. It's a little weird, but who am I to judge? Just don't think that your cat scratched the sofa because his cat mommy didn't love him enough and now he acts out because of his little issues.


2) Insistence on taking the cat to a holistic/eco-friendly/any sort of alternative veterinarian or no veterinarian at all

"I got my degree in Sports Mew-trition."

This would be crazy for a human, and it's just as crazy to subject a cat to it. A cat isn't smart enough to give itself a rabies vaccine in the wild - that's why we have vets who go to a vet school to learn that Cats Shouldn't Get Rabies. And, on the opposite end of the spectrum, if your cat gets hurt, don't just let it drag its gimpy leg around, insisting that your little FooFoo is smart enough to heal up just like it would in nature. Bitch, your cat was dumb enough to break its leg - and all cats do is jump high and land!

3) Only Feeding The Cat Gourmet Foods

Fancy Feast and Meow Mix. Boom. You just fed a cat. You don't need the gourmet shit that comes in a pouch that you microwave to give your cat a hot entree that you serve on a bone china plate.

"No plates, please. Just a bib for my fat cat gut!"

However, this doesn't mean you shouldn't feed the cat a hot dog. Cats love hot dogs. That's a proven science fact.

4) Writing at least four blog posts about cats

What? No. Shut up. Shut this whole post down. SHUT IT DOWN

1 comment:

Linnea said...

Every time I see this, I read "Catholicism." Every time.

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