Monday, December 13, 2010

Late Night TV and Me

           We don’t have cable in my apartment. 
           Yes, yes, I know, it’s a First World Problem. It’s right up there with “My iPad won’t connect to my wi-fi” or “My smartphone broke when I took a picture of my cute kitty cat”. It’s still kind of a bummer. People with cable get to dig through tons of shitty movies or reality television when they can’t sleep at night.
           I’m stuck with crime procedurals.

L to R: computer dork, minority, world's most boring man, cute blonde girl, brunette, cute guy (no homo)
            Over the past four and a half months, I have seen more episodes of Criminal Minds than anyone ever should. I am inundated with serial killers, pedophiles and Mandy Patinkin. When I’m sitting at home by myself, I hear boring white people discuss UnSubs and look around… but nobody else is there! When I’m reading blogs, I picture every commenter as a “curvaceous” quirky blonde.
            “So change the channel, dumbass!” you’re probably shouting at your computer right now. You think I didn’t think of that? I’m all about changing the channel. We even have the remote nearby (no more throwing things and hoping the channel changes on its own for us!).
            If we change the channel, we run right into something so much worse: Tyler Perry’s House of Payne or Meet The Browns. It’s the Scylla & Charybdis of television.

"Now you know you don't compare a brotha to Greek mythology!"
            So we stick to Criminal Minds. And, I’ll admit it, there are some parts that are okay. Like the bank robber who makes people have sex and is also an ace motorbike driver. Or the horribly scarred guy who blew people up for some reason… maybe because his head looked like what I think a turtle’s penis would look like. But for every one of those, there’s a pedophile ring walling little boys up inside their homes or a guy who makes a group of girls kill one of their own.
            But here’s the one thing I can say with confidence: all of those shows are still better than The King Of Queens.

"Preach it!" or "Who invited black Thing to dinner?"

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