Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Half-assed presents to get your parents

Sick  of Christmas stuff?? I'm not! Ever! I'm actually serious!

Except for Christmas shopping for your parents. It's the fucking worst thing in the world. Everyone else you can get a pan for making giant cupcakes or a He-Man sword that makes smashing sounds when you hit things with it, and they'll love it! But not parents. What can you buy for the disapproving person who has everything and is also much richer than you?

If you live in a family where you can just get your mom a nice vase and your dad a tie and that's acceptable, then you've got it made. But what if you don't? What if your family is the kind of family where everyone gives incredibly thoughtful gifts because they remember things you said you wanted or needed months ago in phone conversations you don't even remember and it's Dec. 22nd and you're clicking through Amazon in a panic at work hoping something will just leap out at you?!

Then you're fucked. Wave the white flag. Here are a few options just to keep from showing up empty-handed.

Give them an IOU
It can just say "IOU one good present." Then wait for things to go on sale. Maybe go on the 26th so you can give it to them before you leave town to go home so you won't have to ship it. And type it up. It'll look more serious if you type it up.

Print and frame a facebook photo of yourself
Parents love pictures of kids! Just look at all the people with kids on facebook! There are pictures of the kids everywhere! Just print a picture of you and maybe some siblings off the internet. There has to be at least one where you're not a drunk fucking mess, right? Frame that shit. Wrap it. Boom.

Write them a poem
I did this when I was eight. It rhymed. I think we'd had some unit in my second grade class where we'd had to write a lot of poetry, and that made me think that writing poems was something regular people did. Regardless, I think showing a willingness to humiliate yourself is endearing to most people.

Maybe just don't go. Tell them you're sick.
Then buy a later flight and show up with the perfect gift. You'll look committed!

Just kill yourself
Then you won't even have to think about it anymore.

Happy holidays! 

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