Monday, November 1, 2010

The J. Schechner Get-Tuff Plan

I had a realization last night.
 
I was sitting on the couch in my floral bathrobe, drinking a cup of decaffinated tea. I was watching Titanic, on TBS, so that Kate Winslet's awesome breasts wouldn't distract from the love story. And, most damning of all, I was nibbling on "fun size" candy bars and contemplating buying a mug that says "Chocoholics Anonymouse!" with a cute mouse eating chocolate painted on it.
 
And then it hit me - I was losing my tuffness. As a result of living with two human females and one kitty female, the estrogen and feline equivalent of estrogen were overpowering my strong and virile testostorone. That's when I got scared. Who knows what would happen if I let this situation continue? Would I start actually styling my hair? Would I grow to like white wine or, god forbid, wine coolers? Is it possible that I could start menstruating, maybe through my armpits or my pee hole?
 
I didn't know the answers to those questions but I did know the answer to this question: Did I want to find out the answers to those questions? And that answer was no. I tore off the bathrobe, threw the cup of tea across the room and immediately slammed back a beer. Like a crazy and tough dog, I started barking wildly as I ran into my room and barricaded it from the overpowering influence of femininity. And that's when I came up with the Get-Tuff Plan.
 
The Get-Tuff Plan is a way for a man to reclaim his masculinity quickly and effeciently, and then keep it up. I'm still working on the final touches, but I thought I'd use my loyal readers as a focus group. So, without further ado, the Get-Tuff Plan!
 
1. Get Ripped-Tuff
 
Obviously nothing's more masculine than a sick twelve pack on your stomach. This is why we have male role models like Mike "The Situation" Italianlastname or muscular dudes in tight wifebeaters. But how do you get that look? Well, you can join a gym and pay a membership fee to run around like a rat in designer spandex. There'll be a personal trainer there to help you figure out the best protein powder to piss money away on and the TV is never tuned to Cartoon Network. If that sounds like fun to you, then go join a gym right now, because you are beyond the help of the Get-Tuff Plan.
 
For the rest of you, here's how we Get (clap) Tough (stomp): We use our entire neighborhood as a gymnasium! Do pullups on a signpost. For sprints, just run through traffic; for long distance running, might I recommend chasing a bus? If you need weights, buy two forties and tape them together to get an 80 fl. oz. weight. And forget those dumb smoothies with real fruit and vitamin supplements - I'm going to recommend the only energy boosting drink you'll need in your workout.
 
FOUR LOKO BABY.
 
And the absolute best part about the Hood Gym versus the Dumb Gym? If you ever get way too sweaty, you can just pop your shirt off entirely and nobody can tell you to go outside. In fact, this brings me to the next step of the Plan.
 
2. Get Groomed-Tuff
 
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Grooming? Dude, that is so not manly!" And I agree. That's why we're not going to manscape or use controlled manburns to clear out that body hair. Instead, you're going to want to think up something incredibly tough and vagina-moistening to shave into your chest hair. That way, when you pop your shirt off, all the hotties will know exactly what kind of man you are.
 
Here are some suggestions, but don't feel limited to these! The only limit when it comes to step 2 is the limit of your imagination. And how much chest hair you have.
 
  • "My other chest is just as ripped"
  • "Plumbers Local 32 - Laying Pipe Inside Vaginas"
  • "If you think this is sexy, wait until you see (continued on back hair)"
  • "Grr! Bark bark! I'm a crazy dog with sexy rabies!"
  • "World's Best Grandpa"
 
With any of those bad boys on your chest, you're not only convincing those around you that due to your craziness you are not someone to be fucked with, but that you also want to have sex with ladies.

3. Get Smoking-Tuff
 
Smoking is cool. I shouldn't have to convince you of that. But cigarettes are just not Tuff Enuff! Cigarettes are for artists and communists and even women. Have you heard of Virginia Slims? They're like tiny smokable tampons and their poison influence is ruining the phallic nature of the cigarette.
 
So, cigarettes are out. Pipes make you look like Popeye or some sort of Popeye snowman. That leaves the noble cigar.
 
Because, let's face facts, nothing screams masculine power like a long cylinder in your mouth (oh did I already make a phallus joke in this step? shit)
 
4. Putting It All Together And Lookin' Tuff
 
Picture this. A shirtless man walks down the street, holding a can of Four Loko in his hand. He's a very ripped man, and his chest hair reads "If you can't bang with the big dogs, stay off this crotch". He takes a huge swig from the can, throws it away and leaps, like, twenty feet in the air to grab a streetlamp. He does at least three pullups and then slides down it, like Batman entering the Batcave. All eyes are on him and he surveys the crowd. He points at a woman and she faints (in delight), recovering quickly to join him in an energetic and surprisingly acrobatic display of public sex. A policeman arrives and begins writing a ticket, but stops when the woman has her third orgasm. The cop drops to his knees, his face shining with a beatific light. "This... this must be the second coming of the messiah..."
 
And then the shirtless man takes a deep puff on a cigar and tells the cop, "Wrong. Four times." He puts on some shades and begins running away after a bus.
 
Have you cracked the riddle yet? That shirtless man... that can be you, with the Get-Tuff Plan!
 
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go do some Tuff Grunting while I file papers at work.

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