Monday, November 15, 2010

I'm Nuts About Donuts!

Donuts are great.

Now, I know what you're saying. "Screw you, I don't need you to tell me about donuts! I eat them every day and I'm four hundred pounds, so I think I know a thing or two about donuts."

This is what I picture when I picture a donut expert who isn't me (I'm buff as hell).
First, don't use that tone with me. It's very disrespectful. Second, think of this as a sermon. When people go to church on Sunday, they generally agree that Jesus is pretty good, and don't boo the preacher when he states that opinion during his sermon. I'm the donut reverend today and I'm going to talk about fucking donuts.

There is no package greater than the pink cardboard box that houses donuts. Yes, most people just go to Dunkin' Donuts, and that's fine. The DD donut box is a little slimmer, easier to stack. So if you're bringing a lot of donuts, it's definitely a good choice. But for classic donut action, you're going to want that pink box, tied up with some string. That's the kind of box that's going to make all the other cubicle rats and desk jockeys stand up and take notice. It's the Pavlov's bell of boxes.

And when you open that box, you might get what I call the Pizza Situation. That's when there's a little bit of donut glaze and frosting stuck to the top of the box, like the cheese on a pizza. You don't want too much to stick - just enough for aesthetic effect. It's little touches like that which separate the donut kiddies from donut gods.

At this point, you're going to want to grab a donut and go to town on it, just eat it all up, hole and all. That's fine, that's what you want to do with a donut. However, you're going to want to pick the right donut for your eating style. Are you a Donut Dunker? Choose a plain or lightly glazed donut. There's nothing worse than a loose sprinkle floating in your coffee, or having a runny layer of frosting. Are you just a Donut Devourer? Then you're going to want to just grab your favorite two donuts and run back to your cubicle as quick as possible. This will not only allow you to enjoy two donuts while most people are still eating their first, but it ensures that you can eat your delicious treats without people staring. They just wouldn't understand the love you have for your donut. Do you like Boston cream pie or some other filled donuts? Get the fuck out. That's donut heresy.

So, on this good Monday, let us all remember why we go to work in the morning: because someone might have brought in donuts. Amen.

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