Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Four Loko didn't work on me

I tried Four Loko last weekend. I mean, anyone who knows me knows I hardly drink, but I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

I was kind of disappointed. First, I made a terrible choice, flavor-wise. I don't know how a person is supposed to be able to guess that orange is going to be better than lemonade, but I picked wrong.

Things started out pretty strong. I was definitely talking faster and gesturing more animatedly than usual. I also managed to send around double the texts I usually do in a night. Things were generally accelerated. But that was it. We went out, I no longer felt hyper, and I could hardly finish a 24 oz at the bar because I felt sick.

That's not what I expected. The FDA was about to ban this shit for crying out loud. Sorority girls are being hospitalized by the dozen! Good decent citizens are calling for a ban! This stuff is supposed to be trouble with a capital T which rhymes with E and that stands for Energy Drink/Malt Beverage Combination! I thought I would wake up in jail for beating up multiple cops, or with broken knuckles from walking around the neighborhood just punching through windshields, or with blood all over because I was just sick of that fucking dog downstairs that won't stop barking. No. The craziest thing I did was decide to wear sunglasses out even though it was dark. Whoop-de-freaking-doo. Some threat to our nation's youth.

We should probably run a second trial before the new recipe is on the shelves and it's too late.

1 comment:

Eric said...

I think you are underselling the true ludicrous nature of actually wearing sunglasses at night.

Far more crazy then dog murder and/or cop punching.

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