Friday, November 19, 2010

Facebook-free living

Some four months ago I deactivated my Facebook.  Initially a strategy to avoid Nancy Drewing my ex-boyfriend, I've learned a few valuable lessons from the experiment. While these haven't always been pleasant, they are certainly revealing.  For instance, did you know I can read?  Neither did I, until I regained an attention span longer than it takes a page to load.  To see if you're ready to get off the 'Book, I've outlined the pros and cons of living off the grid.

Even if you were never notified of an event, you will still be reprimanded for not attending.
Turns out I actually know about a third of the people I'm friends with.  Of those, about ten percent still bother to invite me to parties, and the other ninety will yell at me for not showing up.  Fortunately, you have impunity to invitations to fundraisers, music shows in Greenpoint, and groups commemorating a recent tragedy.  This way your real feelings on the Discovery Channel won't get you into hot water.  Those bastards would probably enjoy that....

You might not be a very good friend.
It's hard to remember birthdays, even your best friend's.  Call it a function of every day blending together in an oatmeal-gray haze of wasted life and misdirected energy, but it's just hard to keep track.  The good thing is that sending a "Happy birthday! :)" text under the table during their birthday dinner is much more personal than a wall post.

You can't express your passive aggression to hundreds of people at once.
While I don't miss updates on what people are having for lunch or which song lyrics like, totally explain their mood, it's annoying to keep those important feelings limited to a socially appropriate number of people.  "Without an outlet for this Sylvia Plath quote how will people know how sincere and complex I am?  How else am I supposed to let my ex know he's a selfish, thoughtless ass-plunderer?"  I tell you, brother, I don't know. 

Photo albums are helpful to finding a mate, as well as resources for ridiculing others.
Everyone knows that if you want a thorough personality sketch of that guy you met you have to first understand how ugly he can look as well as how hot.  Also how ugly and hot the girls he hangs out with are, and whether that hanging out is done on his boat.  More importantly, you can see how fat your ex's ex-girlfriend got, not that it matters since you're not even into him anymore and you never felt threatened by her.  I mean, she drives a Maseroti so she's obviously lazy and stupid and fiscally irresponsible which really is inexcusable in this economy.  I guess not everyone can be a patriot.

Overall, it's been a real whirlwind of emotions.  I've been planning to re-enlist next week, at which point I'll update you all on who's married, who's gotten fat, and who needs a swift kick in the balls.  Odds are, they'll be one and the same.

This guy gets it.

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