Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Monday, October 25, 2010

100th Post Celebration: Barack Obama Jokes!

Everything old is new again, so have some jokes about Barack Obama I wrote a couple of years ago.

What was Barack Obama’s favorite Ludacris song during the Democratic primaries?

Move, Bitch.

* * *

What is Barack Obama’s favorite Ludacris song now?

Bailout (Harry Reid’s karoke version of Roll Out)

* * *

Thursday, October 21, 2010

In memoriam: Silk Road Palace

Rumor came down on Tuesday that Silk Road Palace had closed, a claim that has since been confirmed via Chowhound. For reasons not yet made clear, the patrons simply closed up shop, shipped out the contents, and sailed westward to the Grey Havens.

SRP, known to many as "Chinawine," was a sanctuary for everyone from college students to recent college graduates. Before you could even pretend to reach for a government-issued ID, Jimmy and his tireless crew would fill your plastic glass with white wine Franzia. This intoxicating nectar would flow in a ceaseless stream as bowls of Chinese chips and salsa (wontons and duck sauce) were presented. Whether you ordered was Eight Flavors Delicious or Brown Sauce Vegetables, it all tasted the same and it all tasted good.

I say these things not in jest, but from a genuine feeling of loss. On my first visit to Chinawine I was treated to a standing ovation, a gesture which spread to the other tables. The feeling of camaraderie there was infectious, the sense of goodwill unsurpassed anywhere in this city. I know that in time I'll adjust to The Cottage, but for the moment, we mourn the passing of this noble establishment. It's in that spirit which raise a glass of boxed wine to you, Silk Road Palace. Godspeed.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The most famous penis in football

Yeah, that is exactly who you would expect it is. Favre's junk! It's everywhere!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Tuesday Lists: Rejected Cough Drop Flavors

- Herbal Phlegm
- Tylenol-flavored
- Suppressed Vomit Creeping Up Your Throat
- Hallucinogen
- Widdle Sick Baby's Mild Cherry
- Razzleberry Burst
- Lemon-Lye

Monday, October 18, 2010

Support the Rent Is Too Damn High party

Jimmy McMillan, gubernatorial candidate for New York

It's real. And they have a candidate for New York governor. Everyone registered to vote in New York, this is who you'd better be voting for. He's the only candidate whose top priority is lowering rent in NYC. He's also the only candidate with a combination goatee/connected muttonchops facial hairstyle. That coupled with the black gloves he wore at the debate made him look a little like he'd just strolled up from his carriage and handed his cape and crystal-topped cane to his manservant before stepping up to his podium.

The best videos of him are up on Gawker, including where he stops, puts his hand to his ear and asks: "Listen -- someone's child's stomach just growled, did you hear it?

He's also a karate expert. And if you're looking for a social liberal, the Rent is Too Damn High party's candidate wants you to know that "if you want to marry a shoe, I'll marry you."

It took a really special candidate to steal the show from Carl Paladino and the former madam of a brothel Eliot Spitzer once allegedly patronized.

Cuomo seems like kind of a douche. And he threw in a "Go Yankees," I think to seem more human and likeable. Right. McMillan 2010!

Insufficient Fare Monthly Movie Club

Welcome to the inaugural edition of the Insufficient Fare Monthly Movie Club. I watch a lot of... interesting movies, and since I have a captive audience in you, I'd like to share some of my thoughts. Hopefully we can get some good discussion going in the comments section, really learn a little about cinema.

This week's film: Black Knight, starring Martin Lawrence. We're actually going to be looking at Martin Lawrence films for a while, so settle in.

In Black Knight (alternate title A South-Central Gangsta in Some English King's Court), Lawrence plays Jamal Skywalker, employee at a failing medieval-themed amusement park. When Ms. Bostick, the manager, learns that a brand new medieval-themed amusement park is opening nearby, Lawrence advises her to cut and run. In return, she looks at him and says, "I had such high hopes for you, Jamal."

I don't know why she said this - originally, I thought that she was his mom, because nobody is actually named Skywalker. But, nope, not his mom.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Tuesday Lists: Potential October Surprises

- Gourd that looks like a penis
- Penis that looks like a gourd
- R.L. Stine brings coke to your Halloween party
- Corpses in the swimming pool
-Eliot Spitzer is exchanging sex for airtime on CNN
-Brand new bathrooms in the corn maze after that poor kindergartner couldn't find her way out for six hours

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I'm supposed to write a blog post but all I can think about is Christine O'Donnell's ad

Everyone has seen this, obviously. But I mean, it's all I can think about. A serious senate contender, now, today, in 2010, released an ad that begins with the candidate denying she's a witch. That's all.

Tuesday List: Reasons to Become a Hermit

- Because people have caught on to the fact that you're "Invisible" on Gchat
- You can eat right out of the pot
- Just bought beautiful island in the Carribean, can't think of a better use for it
- Mean kids are sitting outside your building again, just like they have been for the past 25 years
- You're Larry The Cable Guy
- Cyberbullying
- Zero risk of pregnancy
- World of Warcraft

Monday, October 4, 2010

Shocking TV Plot Twists

The Office: While playing a prank on Dwight inspired by The Blair Witch Project, Jim inadvertently summons the actual Blair Witch. The entire building is thrown into an alternate reality of horror, and the rest of the series' run follows the survivors' attempts at escape. In the series finale, Steve Carrell returns to reveal that Michael Scott was actually the Blair Witch all along... AND THAT DUNDER-MIFFLIN'S EMPLOYEES WERE ALWAYS IN THE HORROR REALM!!!
30 Rock: The show gives up trying and becomes what it was always meant to be - a better-written Cathy. 

How I Met Your Mother: It's revealed that Ted isn't actually telling a story to his son and daughter - that's what's known as a misdirect. Instead, the show has been about Ted telling the woman he just slept with how he met, and banged, her mother. It is later revealed that Ted is actually a time-traveling pussy hound, trying to break the 2502 Guiness World Record for Most Women Slept With In The Same Maternal Bloodline. 

Lone Star: It's not actually canceled. 

Mad Men: After a off-camera leap forward to the present day, the series divests itself of the classic suits, smoking and drinking, and other relics of a bygone age that helped draw viewers in. What remains is a very tightly written and wonderfully acted show about an aged Don Draper trying to convince himself he remains relevant to advertising. Millions stop watching.

Law & Order: In an four hour miniseries, the casts of Special Victims Unit and Criminal Intent, along with Sam Waterston, find out that the NYPD has been privatized. Watch as famous stage actors and stunt-cast celebrities play criminals who all end up getting horribly assaulted while in custody, as a Tier One operator looks on.

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia: The entire show turns out to be the dreams of an autistic boy who thinks that it is actually how people treat each other.

Community: When the creators bow to fan pressure and write an episode where Abed and Shirley have sex, the power goes to fans' heads. Soon, every episode of Community is just a fuck-and-suckfest where the leads are divided up through an increasingly improbable series of events, and viewers can tweet to decide just what depraved sex act they'll participate in. Ron Jeremy joins the cast as the Professor of Anatomy.

Entourage: Vince and Johnny and Turtle and E and Ari and Lloyd and Sloan all die. In a fire.
oooh man I bet Ari's gonna yell at that fire so bad and it's gonna be epic, brosephs

Friday, October 1, 2010

Strategic tabbery: How to keep the job that you want to leave

Since my plan to find a new job has been stalled, I've decided I'm just going to get better at this one....Better at not doing it, that is!

My desk is set up such that my boss can constantly supervise my computer activity. This means that while she's in the office, generally two- to three-quarters of a normal workweek, I have to be very stealthy about my online browsing. If you find yourself in the same situation, here are some tips in case you're caught...:

1. shopping for clothes: Adopt an affected intonation and tell her you were inspired by her dress from last night's event. "When I saw you come out in that Dolce print, I simply had to know how many weeks' salary it would take for me to afford it! Wouldn't you just die if I told you it was eight?" Laugh heartily and offer her coffee.

2. reading Gawker: Pretend that you just read something very intellectual and relevant. "Did you hear that the Gowanus Canal is rising and may become a flood risk? If you still lived in Brooklyn where you grew up that would be terrible news!" Shake your head in dismay and offer her coffee. Upon realizing you're all out of soy milk, make a trip to Food Emporium. Try not to think about your Bachelor's degree.

3. watching videos of animals: Discuss the incomparably cute [pug/Corgi/bunny/slow loris] in terms of how it's inferior to her dog. "Yes, I've always found Afghan hounds to be superior canines, too. I use 'canine' in the sense that one uses 'film' instead of 'movie' to describe the work of Marion Cotillard.'" Hand her a coffee, and offer to pick up her dog's poop.

Think about your Bachelor's degree. A lot.