Monday, September 27, 2010

I'm Sick

And I don't mean just in the head.

Yes, this weekend, I managed to get myself knocked up by a fairly vicious cold. It's been a while since I've had an actual cold - you know, the one where you have snot dribbling out of your nose and a cough that sounds like you've been working in a Pennsylvania coal mine for a grip of years.

So I did what any modern educated man would do in this situation: bought some Robitussin at a corner deli and kept partying.

The next morning, I woke up unable to breathe out except with a shuddering rasping sound. So I kept slamming back Robi and decided to buy more medicines.

Over the course of this weekend, I've taken both NyQuil capsules and Tylenol PM. For those of you who are facing or soon to face this same situation (Cold season is upon us, after all!), I'd like to give my thoughts on these medicines' effectiveness.

NyQuil Capsules
They're big and they're green. They're "the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fever, best sleep you ever got with a cold" medicine. You've seen the advertisements.
I couldn't find a good picture of the capsules - deal with it.

The advertisements are big fat liars. NyQuil is the "nighttime kinda sorta makes you sleepy but then the sleepiness goes away and you're left with the sniffles" medicine. I mean, shit - I once took NyQuil at school because I couldn't find any DayQuil. That was the only time it ever kinda made me sleep, and I think that had more to do with the discussion of The Canterbury Tales.

Basically, NyQuil  is a prostitute you found on Craigslist that promises to bring herself and her hot barely legal girlfriend to service you for a very, very low price. Then you answer the door and it’s an obese woman holding a huge turkey leg, like she just came from the Renaissance Faire.

Tylenol PM
Little tiny blue capsules. They’re a lot easier to swallow and the box has a cool little logo of a moon and some clouds.
I also keep my pills in a nice little bowl like little dinner mints.

It also doesn’t make any promises about my sniffles or coughing or fever. It just says “helps to relieve these symptoms” and leaves it at that.

It doesn’t work any better, though. Or get you to sleep any faster.

To continue the strained prostitution metaphor, it’s like a mediocre prostitute you find on a street corner who offers to give you a blowjob for a modest amount. Then it turns out that it’s just a handie and the price has gone up. But you pay anyways because you already got her in the car.
So what was it? What made the most difference in my illness this weekend?

Simple. This:
Yes, the Chex Mix didn't cure my cold but it made me happy and full!

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