Monday, September 13, 2010

I Am The Greatest Writer

This is not me, ergo he is not the greatest writer.
I am the greatest writer. The only writers near to my level (which you can't even see - that's how far above you my level is) are the other writers on this blog. But, rest assured, it is a fact: I am the greatest writer.

How do I know I am the greatest writer?

When I sit at my computer and go clickity-clackity on the keyboard, earthquakes rock the firmament in remote areas of the globe. Native peoples look at the sky and feel the quaking of the earth and go "The greatest writer is at it again. Let us pray to the jaguar spirit so that he may summon us the greatest writer's blog and we may enjoy it."

When I hit my delete key, waves crash upon beaches and destroy children's sand castles.

How do I know I am the greatest writer?

I have many books, many of which are not literature or essay. I have books with titles like The Writer's Guide To Character Traits and The Merriam-Webster Dictionary New Edition. I hear you, just barely (after all, you are on a level so below me that your loudest yells sound like ants scrabbling in the dust), say "But if you are the greatest writer, why do you need books to tell you how to write?" I do not respond. If I were to respond, however, it would probably be to say "I keep them as trophies. I have absorbed all the information therein, and like the mighty hunter mounts the heads of the beasts he has slain, I keep these books to remind me that I was not always the greatest writer."
This is Plato, not Homer like you probably assumed.
Knowledge like that is why I'm the greatest writer,
 and you're not.

Remember, though, that I did not respond. So you did not hear my explanation.

How do I know I am the greatest writer?

I can write in patois. I can write in dialect. No, those aren't the same thing - they're different. If you were the greatest writer, you'd know that.

I can write in pentameters iambic and dactylic. Translated from the Latin, my family motto is "Prose before hos, verse before nurse". Homer is my homeboy.

I am the greatest writer.


Mooseburger said...

The greatest writer should know to put a comma before a quotation, such as, "How could this fact have escaped someone who once read 'Elements of Style' cover to cover?"

**Note that "Elements of Style" cannot be italicized due to formatting restrictions

J. Schechner said...

The greatest writer is so great that he makes the rules - he is a descriptivist, not a prescriptivist.

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