Friday, September 10, 2010

Cosmo Reboot

My boss is in the office today, which means the summer's officially over. In conjunction with Cosmo's new "Sex Position of the Day" app for Droid, I feel it's time for another installation of "Cosmo: What on God's green Earth?!"Here are a few choice moves, focused primarily on the aquatically-oriented acts that will only be possible for a few days more. Hit 'em while you can!

The Tawdry Tube
Cosmo says: "This face-to-face position is seriously intimate....the splashing water created by your thrusting hits both of your down-there domains, adding to the titillation."

Logic dictates: Have you ever tried to balance on top of an inner tube alone? Now try to balance on top of a dude's balls on top of an inner tube. Now consider the yeast infection that Cosmo warns about while simultaneously advising water sex. "Intimate" doesn't even come close, amirightladies?

Beach-Ball Booty
Cosmo says: "With your back to the ocean, lie facedown at the shoreline....The combo of his thrusts and the lapping water against your skin feels downright heavenly."

Logic dictates: This require a secluded stretch of beach sometime at dusk, conditions which are also favored by sharks. Between seagulls, salt, and sand the ocean might be the worst sex myth to ever come out of the movie Grease. I'm also pretty sure this is how turtles have sex, and anything that would fuck a Croc isn't to be imitated.

Submarine
Cosmo says: "The feeling of weightlessness combined with the sensual deprivation of not being able to hear since your ears are submerged will allow you to surrender to the bliss of your partner's member throbbing inside you."

Logic dictates: "Throbbing member" has never aroused anyone anywhere at any time. Getting water up your nose during sex sounds more erotic than that, and with this move you can count on it.

Sexy Sprinkler
Cosmo says: "If you can't reach your hands to the ground, place them on your thighs or calves for support....And the aroma of wet grass boosts your sense of smell, making this a supersensory experience."

Logic dictates: This mostly reminds me of the gay sex statue that Tom Green built in his parents' yard. More to the point, this one just looks painful; I can barely stretch my calves for a full ten seconds of warm-up at the gym, let alone a few minutes. At least you'll be seduced and distracted by the heady, sensual perfume of lawn clippings.

Sexy Scissors
Cosmo says: "No other love lock will offer you such a body-rockin' range of sensations....We guarantee these thigh-melting maneuvers will lead to a whoa-baby wave of Os."

Logic dictates: "You should always be careful with scissors." - Butters

1 comment:

Liz0911 said...

I have to say I love making fun of cosmo. Seriously trying to balance on a beach ball? What if it rolls away or pops? And I don't know about the everyday gal but I've certainly never fantasized about being hit in the stomach by a sprinkler during sex...what if it goes back and forth and you get water up your nose...awkward.

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