Thursday, August 12, 2010

Things I wanted to say to people at work this past week

"We don't carry many films that delve into the existence of the Loch Ness monster, nor any other similar creatures. You may want to just get a cable subscription and tune into the History Channel."

"9-11 was not an inside job, since that seems to be what you're curious about. I'm just letting you know you can stop your search for the truth, since I know the truth and just told it to you. But if you've still got a hankering to watch footage of the towers falling down over and over, yes, we have a DVD about it."

"If you're functionally illiterate, how could you possibly need us to send you a catalog?"

"Look, stop yelling at me. If you don't want people throwing screeners of films across your lobby at Daily News reporters, maybe you shouldn't have been so wildly unreasonable and allowed me to walk across the barrier and 10 feet into the elevator bank where he was waiting, unable to walk on his broken ankle. I don't even look like a hobo, I wore a skirt today for Chrissakes."

"How can I take the freight elevator when the freight elevator is closed?! How?! HOW?! HOW COULD A PERSON POSSIBLY DO THAT?! AND FUCK YOU, I JUST WATCHED YOU LET THAT FED-EX GUY WHO ALSO HAD A DOLLY WALK RIGHT INTO THE FRONT DOOR ELEVATOR!"

As a result, my post was a little late this week. Excuse me, I need a drink.

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