Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The screenplay writer's inner monologue as she adapts the climax of Breaking Dawn

Great, this is going to be a piece of cake. We'll start with this wedding and they'll be staring into each other's eyes and then we'll have intense staring and sparkling on this honeymoon and more staring and...oof, and then she's knocked up, and then....uh. Hoo boy. Huh. So what if:

INT Love Nest Bathroom-- Night

JACOB watches while EDWARD cradles the bleeding, screaming BELLA in his gleaming arms and places her gently on the floor. Bella is really gushing now, blood everywhere. EDWARD leans down towards her visibly moving pregnant belly, holds her down and begins to tear her flesh with his fangs --

Alright, so maybe not. Maybe not that. What if it's just this:

INT Love Nest Bathroom -- Night

JACOB watches while EDWARD lays BELLA on the bathroom floor and hastily closes the door. BELLA's tortured screams can be heard through the door, as well as the "crunch" sound of a number of her bones breaking. JACOB paces outside until finally the violent sounds subside, and EDWARD emerges, holding his bloody, fanged daughter as she tries to tear apart everyone she sees. The emotion in JACOB's eyes is visible as he falls in love at first sight with the howling monster and makes plans to raise it to be his bride --

Okay, so that got just as weird. Alright well I could just try this:

INT The House of Charlie, Bella's Father, Forks, WA -- Day

BELLA and EDWARD step out of their car onto CHARLIE's driveway, looking nervous. BELLA is holding her fanged newborn who is aging quadruple the normal human speed and looks like a toddler already. The knock on the door and CHARLIE lets them in.


Well hey there, I didn't know you guys were coming!


Dad, I had a kid.


That's interesting, because you didn't look pregnant when you guys got married a month ago.


Well, the child was unusual, because, you know, the vampire business.


You suddenly are a stunning, graceful woman!


I know, Edward turned me into a vampire to save my life.


Come again?


Well, the vampire-human hybrid baby was tearing her apart from the inside, so I performed a cesarean with my teeth and then injected my venom straight into her heart. To save her.


Oh, sure. Well anyway, about this werewolf business --

Jesus Christ. I'm not sure what eles to do other than this:

INT Love Nest Bathroom -- Night

EDWARD looks panicked as Bella screams and the monster infant inside her visibly writhes. He sets her down gently on the bathroom floor as the sounds of her ribs and pelvis shattering become more audible. He leans down, a resolute look on his face, and reaches out to touch her stomach when suddenly --

EXT Little Hangleton Graveyard -- Night

CEDRIC's eyes open to see HARRY standing over him, looking worried, but then thrilled as CEDRIC stirs and rubs his forehead.


Merlin's Beard, Cedric! I thought you were done for!


What-what's going on? Oh the tournament! Harry, is it over yet? I had the strangest and most terrifying dream! I was a vampire and there was this very plain girl...


Forget all that rubbish, let's get back to Hogwarts!

The two mount broomsticks and fly off into the stars. The End.

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