Monday, July 19, 2010

An Open Letter From A Cat Who Shits Everywhere

Hi there, I'm a cat who shits everywhere.

I want to get a few things straight first. I'm not too lazy to use the litter box - I love the litter box. I just have a condition known as Uncontrollable Cat Diarrhea that causes me to, well, shit everywhere.

In fact, I don't even shit everywhere. I have figured out a few places to just squat and let loose that I really love - on the floor near the bed, under the desk, right in front of the door, on a rug. Don't ask me why I go there when the litter box is no more than five feet away from many of these locations; there's a reason uncontrollable is right in the name!

Is it too late to ask that you refer to me as "a cat who shits in a few very inconvenient locations that are really hard to clean"? It is?

Oh, poop.

It's not like I don't feel bad about this. As I awkwardly walk forward, hot liquid cat shit gushing out of my butt, I feel terrible. That's why whenever I'm done, I take a moment to clean myself and then hop right up on the bed next to you. And you've probably noticed that when I start getting down to my business, I fart really loudly. That's my equivalent of the air raid siren, something to let you know that you need to take cover immediately.

That's also the reason that my fart smells so awful - in case you can't hear it, you'll smell it. No need to thank me. I'm just trying to help.

Now, you may be thinking, "Well, what if I just feed him less, or easy-to-digest food?" Well, I'll eat it. In fact, I'll eat anything: plastic bags, paper towels, Doritos, the other cat's food. And when that's done, you'll watch carefully for half an hour and think "okay, we're safe". Until I vomit. And unlike my Uncontrollable Cat Diarrhea, I have no set locations to vomit. I may even jump up and vomit right next to the pillow on your bed. I'm not trying to be rude when I do that. I just want to make sure you're aware that I just threw up.

Yes, you're welcome.

But I also want to let you know that firing blasts of crap out of my rectum isn't all I'm about. I also like having my belly rubbed, meowing loudly whenever anyone walks by the door, biting your toes when it's 6:30 in the morning and it's time to eat, and always looking like a surprised idiot because of my big eyes.

So, what do you say? Can we look past all the awkward minutes you spend cleaning up cat diarrhea and just be friends? I really want you to like me, because I do like you and

oh crap gotta go it's time again

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