Monday, July 26, 2010

I'm Burgin... Are You?

Yo, normally you can call me J. Schechner, but today, it's all different. This Monday, you can call me The Burgermeister (Mr. Burgermeister if you're nasty), because this shit here is all about THE BURGAMINS.

That's right, an entire essay devoted to my favorite subject and pastime - BURGIN' OUT! Burgin' is the feeling you get deep down in your gut when you know that no sissy salads or stupid sandwiches are gonna quench that hunger fire you've got burning. No, what you need is some flame-broiled beef, slammed between two buns.

But everyone eats their burger a different way. I'm going to share some of my favorite "Burg Moves" with you today. Next time you're sitting down to a big-ass burger on a regular-sized bun, give them a shot!

The Grip-N-Flip

This one's easy, a little something to ease you into the world of trick burger eating. Take your hands and grasp the burger firmly with both of them. As you move the burger towards your mouth, rotate your wrists so that when you take that first bite of juicy meat, the burger is upside down. Perfect for impressing a date or just letting everyone else in the burger shop know that you're not some regular geek off the street.

The Burger Drop

A little more difficult, but still well within the ability of a novice. This move is for when you've got just a little bit of burger left and want to make that last bite special. Take that burg in one hand, lift it up in the air over your gaping mouth, and drop it. Make sure you catch it in your mouth - you don't want to be picking burg up off the floor! Once you're comfortable with this, try it with bigger and bigger pieces. Once you can catch the whole burger in your mouth, you're ready to go pro (if you haven't already!).

Two Burgs, One Cup

I don't do this one in company, but it's good for those late night burger binges. Grab two burgers from the fridge (you want them to be cold for this one, which makes it perfect for a hot summer's day) and slam them into a blender. Add a little ketchup, mayonnaise, and mustard. THEN BLEND THAT SHIT. You'll end up with a nice burger smoothie. If you like it chunky, blend it for half as much time as you regularly would.

The Pledge of Burgligence

Perfect for the July 4th Burgermania. Grab the burger in your right hand, and hold it over your heart. Let those meat juices drip down your shirt. That's what our forefathers fought and died for. The right for every man, woman, and child to have a burger is  there in the constitution, in black and white.

Open Palm Burg Slam

It's happened to me before. There's two Burger Pros in one diner, and not enough room for both of them. How do you establish dominance in this situation? You open palm burg slam. Extend your hand, fingers spread wide, and place your palm directly over the burger. Grasp it, careful not to squeeze too hard, and stare down your opponent. Unexpectedly, you slam the burger into your mouth, chewing and eating it quickly. Your opponent looks down at his own untouched burger in shame. Shouldn't have eaten your fries first, son!

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Burger
It requires a little setup and two people, but the reactions you'll get make it well worth it. First, find a length of fishing wire. Tie it around your burger and loop the wire through a pulley. Have your friend stand by, ready to yank on the wire when you give the signal. Once this is done, gather a crowd. Begin weaving a tale set in feudal China, a tale of ancient burger arts and love. During the climax, signal your friend. As the burger flies up of its own accord (at least, that's what your audience will see), you leap towards it, taking a bite as your paths cross. Repeat until you're fully burged.

Drive By Burgin' (PROS ONLY)

I'm just sharing this one so you can see what kind of burgin' you can get up to when you're pro like me. Have your friends mount the Burg Bike (pictured right) and hit the drive-through of your local burger shop. You, meanwhile, are walking a crowded main street. At some point, your friend pulls up and reaches down into the greasy paper sack. People on the street get nervous. Does he have a gun? What's going on? Why'd that man stop so suddenly? Without warning, he pulls a burger out of the sack and shouts, "This one's from Ronald, you son of a bitch!" He throws the burger right at your head, with pinpoint accuracy. You stop, twist, and grab the burger in one smooth motion. You
take a bite and fall to the ground, screaming in pure delight. You just got burg'd.

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