Friday, July 9, 2010

And they ask why periodicals are dying

Splayed across the cover of this week's New York Magazine is the headline, "Why Parents Hate Parenting." It's no secret that kids are miserable, and the idea of spawning one nightmarish. Yet in an unfortunate paradox, pedophobia seems to carry as much stigma as pedophilia. Since the author of the article concludes with cheap platitudes for parents, I've written this as a response.

No contest.

European children
French kids speak that language fluently, something I haven't managed in six years of study. The same goes for British children, who will remind you in their precocious, chirpy accent, "Kids are baby goats!" Hey, instead of correcting my word choice maybe you should thank Pink Floyd for giving your sorry lives any purpose, you sooty urchins.

Skinny children
Their metabolism is so high that they can consume a box of Totinos and two Lunchables daily, while supporting a Pixie Stick habit, without gaining a pound. These monsters measure fruit snacks by the foot, and wear their Kool-Aid moustaches with reckless abandon. I hope your heart valves collapse and gum up like a Push-Pop, you shrill hummingbirds.

Fat, Asian babies
Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't know Ralph Lauren sold clothes in that size. I thought you were a miniature businessman from Tokyo, considering how many pictures your parents are taking of you. Also, what the fuck right do you have to be at the MoMA? Shouldn't you be practicing the xylophone instead of blocking my view of the Chuck Close exhibit?

Black kids
Listen, it's not their fault that they're infinitely cuter than white kids. But how are they so much more confident than I am? I'm twenty-three years old and a black toddler could easily intimidate me out of a seat on the subway. One time at the Bronx Zoo, this kid had so much swagger he talked his mom into getting him a temp tattoo. I couldn't even wear Chapstick until I was nine! There was gin in his juice no DOUBT.

So I'm sorry, parents of the world, and those aspiring to one day join their ranks. A noble calling it may be, but not one in which I'm interested.

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