Monday, June 21, 2010

Tips For Temps!

ATTENDANCE AND PUNCTUALITY: The first day on any job is important, because it's the only time you'll ever see your supervisor. Impress them by showing up 2 hours early and helping the janitorial staff finishing cleaning. This clears the way for you to just show up whenever until they get suspicious. But by then, you're off to the next gig, like a data entry nomad.

APPLICATION FOR FULL TIME EMPLOYMENT: Why fucking bother? As a temp, you're LTL (Livin' Th' Lif'). No commitments, no rules, no limits except your meager bank account. Some might say, "But what about health insurance and other benefits?" Here's my response: a huge cloud of cigarette smoke in ya face while I play five finger fillet.

TIME SHEETS: 4:45 has almost the same numbers as 5:00.

ACCEPTABLE ATTIRE: Lots of light gray so you can blend into your surroundings, chameleon-like. Other good suggestions: Big Dog shirts to let other people know that THEIR problem isn't YOUR problem; a silk button-down with a character from your favorite Japanese anime printed on it; sweatsuits with lots of grease stains. Get bonus Temp Points for combining two or more!

UNACCEPTABLE ATTIRE:  Something where your saggy titties be hanging out, looking like Poe's inspiration, call a poem The Tit and The Pendulum. Also avoid shirts that look like a dishrag and the magical robe you looted from the lair of Black Dawn the necromancer.

TERMINATION OF ASSIGNMENT: You know that scene in Austin Powers where Dr. Evil fires people and their chairs fall down into a huge pit of fire, and it's funny because, see, fire and fire? Your termination will be excruciatingly mediocre as that pun.

HOT SPOT: A cool place to meet and mingle with your sexy co-workers!!! Hahahaha just playin'

EMPLOYEE HEALTH & WELLNESS: The receptionist has some aspirin. That's all there is to that.

LUNCH: is delicious.

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