Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Inner monologue of an infant with hipster parents


Are you honestly wearing that straw hat again? Do you understand what a huge a douchewad you look like? I'm embarrassed to admit you're my father. Oh Jesus, is Mom going with us dressed like that? Why in God's name would you wear fishnets outside a production of "Rocky Horror Picture Show?" So you can have the same pallid color you look like you have in all those family polaroids you took because digital cameras are a little too Establishment for you? And you, you gender-neutral excuse for a man, you're in wingtips! Are you guys just looking for attention? Was your childhood lacking in something?

Because I'll tell you what, mine fucking is. It's lacking in some damn normalcy. Here we are, getting ready to go to the park, and I think we're all wearing the same size American Apparel tank top. Don't you think we have a problem here? Am I getting through to you at all?

Yes, put me down, I'd rather be in the stroller, I'd rather be associated with the one thing you people own that isn't retarded. I hope Grandma and Grandpa can put at least as much money towards my higher education as they put towards Mom's baby shower. It's nice to know someone in charge doesn't want my childhood furnished entirely by Salvation Army stores.

Wait. What is that. What is that you are taking out of that box. Oh fuck me. That is what it looks like. Why. Why did you spend money you could have spent on baby food on a onesie with Mao's face on it?! No! No I don't want to wear it! I won't be made a laughingstock for your entertainment! No, you gigantic son of a bitch! God, I wish I could control my bowels so I shit on your stupid, grinning face! I hate you! I'm 7 months old and I hate you! By God, I will be the most boring child on earth! I'll never get a piercing or tatto! I'll get normal, regular haircuts and dress in clothes from the Gap and JC Penney, and I'll wear them correctly! I'll going to major in business! I'll move to the Midwest or the South and I'll participate enthusiastically in my community and sincerely care about politics, and it's all going to be because of you, you monsters! BECAUSE OF YOU!

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