Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Finally, an effective health class curriculum

Debate has always raged in this country around what, when, and how much to tell children in health classes. Well now it can stop, because here at Insufficient Fare, we've assembled a perfect set of classes and lessons to prepare young teens for adult life in a healthy way. In the past, people have either told kids not to have sex or they've implied that they're not having enough sex by providing them mountains of free prophylactics in our public schools. Studies show that either way, they have the sex. The cool ones, at least. So we've decided to forgo the sex talk altogether, let them get that information from porn like God intended, and give them a set of lessons that is going to be useful to cheerleaders and D&D club members alike. Here are the first three lessons of our brand new curriculum.

Lesson 1: How to hide your pit stains
Welcome to puberty, kiddos! You'll know you're here once you have to stop wearing light colored shirts because they have dark stains the size of a handprint under the arms about a half hour after you put them on. How do you deal with this embarrassing development? Hide it, like the rest of your embarrassing, changing body. I personally recommend tank tops. In the winter, a tank top under an oversized hoodie or sweatshirt. For men, I recommend larger t-shirts and wearing a lot of black.

Lesson 2: How to hide your spontaneous boner
If at all possible, stay seated when this happens. If you need to leave your seat for some reason, there was that one part of Superbad where Jonah Hill talks about pulling the waistband of his pants over his boner. So you could try that. I don't really know much about this. Good luck, boys.

Lesson 3: Periods!
Everyone, at some point or another, has had someone tell them that periods aren't really a big deal and aren't anything to worry about. Wrong. After you have your first period, you can usually handle yourself. But the wait for your first bleeding is fraught with terror. The obsessive checking of your underwear in the bathroom between every class, the shudder of fear that goes through your body at the feeling normal vaginal wetness. I know this one girl Amanda who first met Aunt Flo in the middle of the day in sixth grade and bled through her pants so bad her mom had to come pick her up. Oh, how she cried. Do yourself a favor, girls, and just wear a pantyliner every day until you first ride the Crimson Tide.

Stay tuned for the rest of our lesson plan!

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