Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Inner monologue of an infant with hipster parents


Are you honestly wearing that straw hat again? Do you understand what a huge a douchewad you look like? I'm embarrassed to admit you're my father. Oh Jesus, is Mom going with us dressed like that? Why in God's name would you wear fishnets outside a production of "Rocky Horror Picture Show?" So you can have the same pallid color you look like you have in all those family polaroids you took because digital cameras are a little too Establishment for you? And you, you gender-neutral excuse for a man, you're in wingtips! Are you guys just looking for attention? Was your childhood lacking in something?

Because I'll tell you what, mine fucking is. It's lacking in some damn normalcy. Here we are, getting ready to go to the park, and I think we're all wearing the same size American Apparel tank top. Don't you think we have a problem here? Am I getting through to you at all?

Yes, put me down, I'd rather be in the stroller, I'd rather be associated with the one thing you people own that isn't retarded. I hope Grandma and Grandpa can put at least as much money towards my higher education as they put towards Mom's baby shower. It's nice to know someone in charge doesn't want my childhood furnished entirely by Salvation Army stores.

Wait. What is that. What is that you are taking out of that box. Oh fuck me. That is what it looks like. Why. Why did you spend money you could have spent on baby food on a onesie with Mao's face on it?! No! No I don't want to wear it! I won't be made a laughingstock for your entertainment! No, you gigantic son of a bitch! God, I wish I could control my bowels so I shit on your stupid, grinning face! I hate you! I'm 7 months old and I hate you! By God, I will be the most boring child on earth! I'll never get a piercing or tatto! I'll get normal, regular haircuts and dress in clothes from the Gap and JC Penney, and I'll wear them correctly! I'll going to major in business! I'll move to the Midwest or the South and I'll participate enthusiastically in my community and sincerely care about politics, and it's all going to be because of you, you monsters! BECAUSE OF YOU!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Tuesday List - It's Too Hot Outside

  • It's too hot outside
  • Everybody's working for the July 4 weekend
  • The only content you're getting today is this
  • And that's only because I like to see my name in print online
  • Smaller robots

Monday, June 28, 2010

There Is No Update Today

There is no update today because my lease runs out in three days and I don't have time to be funny when I don't have a place to live.


Sorry!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Thursday Mini - Omar comin' through! *whistles, laughs*

If you've never watched The Wire, then you should probably go do that instead of whatever shit you're doing now.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Most Disney villains are queers

I had this realization a while back that every single Disney villain looks, acts, and sounds either unconvincingly female or curiously effeminate for a man in a kid's movie. No, I'm serious. With a few notable exceptions, like Gaston and the Huns in "Mulan," Disney villains appear to be drag queens or men who seem like they might be one of them homoseckshulls. What does it say about our society that our children's movie villains are primarily characters outside heteronormative gender roles? That's for people with more book learnin' than me to ponder. But regardless, this trend is so ubiquitous that there are in fact different categories of Disney queers, named below.



Queens who pass
The Evil Queen of "Snow White," pictured here, is just a little too flat and a little too broad-shouldered to escape looking questionable after scrutiny. And the nun headscarf look makes me wonder if she has nothing to wear because she hasn't been wig shopping in a while. Overall, however, the Evil Queen looks like a lady if you don't think about it too hard. Other Disney "women" to fall into this category are Lady Tremaine, also known as Cinderella's evil stepmother, and the witch from "Sleeping Beauty." Who apparently has a name: Maleficent. Looking over these pictures, it's pretty clear they've all drawn on their brows, too, and got a little carried away. But overall, they look pretty good.


Queens who don't quite pass
In this category we find mostly aging queens who are getting a little rough around the edges. Prime example: Yzma here from "The Emperor's New Groove," maybe the most underrated Disney movie there is. The feathers are a lot, the eyelashes are too much, and her tits, such as they are, are out of control. (All links safe for work. It's Disney.) Other characters that fit the bill here include Cruella De Vil. Jury's out on Ursula, since she's convincing neither as an octopus nor a woman.


Queens who forgot their drag when they shot the movie
This category is pretty much exclusively for Jafar. Honestly, look at him. The beard. The eyebrows. The mannerisms. The cattiness. I think Jafar would really rather be a lady. At least that way his precious stone and Arab antique collecting would be a lot less questionable.

Sub-category: ????
Here we find Mad Madame Mim from "The Sword and the Stone." It's unclear what's going on with her.




Really effeminate male big cats
Why, yes, it is weird that this is a whole category. Scar here is the poster boy for villain big cats who are a little light in their loafers. When he takes the stage for his big number he puts on a hell of a show. Lights, smoke machine, backup dancers, his mane blowing in the wind from an off-camera source. Then fast forward to the climactic battle scene at the end of the film and you find that Scar and Simba essentially bitchslap each other until Scar falls off a cliff. No really, watch it again. It's almost not a fight. Here it is, in Finnish for some reason, if you're curious. And Scar's not the only one. Shere Khan from "The Jungle Book" seems a little limp-wristed as well. And in "Robin Hood," Prince John, a pox on him, the phony King of England, isn't even manly enough to have a full mane. And usually just stands there shrieking for his guards to kill the film's protagonist.


So there you have it. For our nation's children, the face of evil is drag queens and gay big cats. No wonder "RuPaul's Drag Race" is only on Logo.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Tuesday List - Food We Can Prepare

  • DiGiorno Microwave Pizza For One Because You're Alone And Nobody Likes You
  • Donner Party Hotdish
  • Franco-American Gazpacho (SpaghettiOs straight from the can)
  • Any fruit that doesn't involve peeling
  • We can shuck but not cook corn on the cob
  • Crustless quiche, on account of that Atkins diet
  • Bruschetta with a hard "c"
  • Pancakes that stick to the pan
  • Any dish that involves ejaculating on already prepared food

Monday, June 21, 2010

Tips For Temps!

ATTENDANCE AND PUNCTUALITY: The first day on any job is important, because it's the only time you'll ever see your supervisor. Impress them by showing up 2 hours early and helping the janitorial staff finishing cleaning. This clears the way for you to just show up whenever until they get suspicious. But by then, you're off to the next gig, like a data entry nomad.

APPLICATION FOR FULL TIME EMPLOYMENT: Why fucking bother? As a temp, you're LTL (Livin' Th' Lif'). No commitments, no rules, no limits except your meager bank account. Some might say, "But what about health insurance and other benefits?" Here's my response: a huge cloud of cigarette smoke in ya face while I play five finger fillet.

TIME SHEETS: 4:45 has almost the same numbers as 5:00.

ACCEPTABLE ATTIRE: Lots of light gray so you can blend into your surroundings, chameleon-like. Other good suggestions: Big Dog shirts to let other people know that THEIR problem isn't YOUR problem; a silk button-down with a character from your favorite Japanese anime printed on it; sweatsuits with lots of grease stains. Get bonus Temp Points for combining two or more!

UNACCEPTABLE ATTIRE:  Something where your saggy titties be hanging out, looking like Poe's inspiration, call a poem The Tit and The Pendulum. Also avoid shirts that look like a dishrag and the magical robe you looted from the lair of Black Dawn the necromancer.

TERMINATION OF ASSIGNMENT: You know that scene in Austin Powers where Dr. Evil fires people and their chairs fall down into a huge pit of fire, and it's funny because, see, fire and fire? Your termination will be excruciatingly mediocre as that pun.

HOT SPOT: A cool place to meet and mingle with your sexy co-workers!!! Hahahaha just playin'

EMPLOYEE HEALTH & WELLNESS: The receptionist has some aspirin. That's all there is to that.

LUNCH: is delicious.

Friday, June 18, 2010

A commentary on aging

Recently I turned twenty-three, an age with absolutely no significance whatever. But in my head, it's spurred a crisis of sorts. No longer can I cling to collegedom or teenagership. Instead of a perpetual hormonal imbalance, I can only indulge my mood swings a meager five days per month. The heady perfume of youth has surrendered to the fetid breath of Time, and I am given over to miring in a bog of middle age. Still, because I find myself complaining too much on here I've made a list of the pros and cons.

Pro: You can eat all the candy you want.
Con: You actually understand of how bad candy is for you. Especially when you have to take a bus home every time you want to see the dentist because you're still on your mom's health insurance because your stupid job doesn't offer "benefits" and you had to work on MLK Day, even!

I want six of these. Or at least the means to purchase and display them.

Pro: You have the freedom to do anything you want, whenever you want.
Con: You have no money to do anything you want, and won't be financially stable until your late thirties. Enjoy being "entry level" for the next six years.

Pro: You get to live on your own, and from decorating to drinking to sex-having, you choose what to spend your money on.
Con: Your bedroom is the size of your parents' mudroom, but still manages to smell worse thanks to the Chinese restaurant below it. You promise yourself that next year you'll think twice before moving in next to a methadone clinic, even if it is in "The LES." You actually envy people who have the space to stencil their bathrooms and collect porcelain roosters from yard sales.

Pro: You've outgrown that awkward phase.
Con: ...but your family still remembers it, and their idea of positive reinforcement is saying, "You look good now!"

Pro: Well, at least you have your health.
Con: Except sometimes you inexplicably develop arthritis the week after graduation, which is a really bad look considering you're still on the same acne medication from five years ago.

High school reunion, here we come!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Thursday Mini - Mario Wept

I really like video games. Hell, I've even got a stupid blog where I write big fancy sentences about them.

Some people have likened the current cultural status of video games to a sort of ghetto. And we can see the door opening, us gamers, and possibly soon we'll be able to emerge from our basements, squinting in the sunlight.

Then the door slams shut and someone plasters these two blogs across it.

 

 

Enjoy your Thursday, everyone.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Your Health: Stomach Diseases

As I mentioned before, I was traveling abroad a week ago. Like a lot of people who travel to foreign places, I returned with some tummy problems. And they persisted. Until I hit the WebMD point. You know, the point where you're like, "Hm, I better WebMD this."

We have a tradition here at Insufficient Fare of presenting you with accurate and informative information on health topics (no really, we do -- I had a post about embarrassing diseases on our old blog, The Blog That Shall Not Be Named) and have decided it's high time for another installment.

Today: Stomach diseases; is there something nasty in there?
The answer is yes, it's probably something nasty as hell. Here are a couple of things that WebMD says could have been going on in my very own stomach, as little as 4 days ago:

Campylobacteriosis
This one sounds like fun, doesn't it?! Like camp! And it is like camp, if your camp's cook didn't properly wash her hands after using the restroom or encountering infected dog or cat stool. This bacteria is one of the most common causes of diarrhea in the United States, affecting, in the bathroom sense, 2 million people each year, and usually lasting about a week.

Giardiasis
This one is also caused by a bacteria, namely the parasite Giardia lamblia. Web MD tells me you can get this either from consuming human waste or working in a day care center. This is why I love kids. A small percentage of people can develop a long-term infection, so phew! Dodged that bullet!

Inflammatory Bowel Disease
Apparently, your lower intestine can just become inflamed, and nobody knows why! It's a mystery! If you become inflamed enough to have bloody diarrhea,* try to keep it in check, because "iron deficiency anemia due to blood loss" is also on the symptoms list.

Colon Cancer
Fingers crossed it wasn't this one. I could see this one coming up again, and it could get ugly.

There you have it, health coverage at least as good as on Oprah. I hope you learned a lot. Extra credit if you can figure out exactly what symptoms I put into the Symptom Checker based on these results.

*I feel compelled to let everyone know that no, I did not poop blood.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Tuesday List - Reasons We're Not Watching The World Cup

- Hate excitement, fun
- Don't like Europe or South America
- Can't handle day drinking
- Once I'd finished managing the lacrosse team to fulfill my gym requirement I vowed never to watch a sport again
- Too sad to watch North Koreans realize they'll be put to death back home when they let a goal slip
- Hate Not America
- Don't get ESPN 3 and Univision makes my xenophobia flare up

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Unique Gentlemen Dating Service ( A Story I Done Wrote)

Sarah sat on the couch in the same way that a plane with engine failure lands. Unfortunately, while the plane could expect to have emergency crews expecting it, Sarah only had the greasy pleather of the cushions.

Rolling onto her back, she stared at the ceiling. It had been painted about two months ago, going from a beautiful red to a very streaky blue. She had done it all herself, not allowing anyone to help her.

She had also not let anyone help her pick out her new furniture, which also came into her apartment two months ago. It was a secondhand jumble of styles, materials, and heights. Sarah sighed as her gaze rolled over the aluminum coffee table, the wicker chair set up at her ancient roll-top desk, and the black pleather couch she was currently resting on. She tried not to remember what the entire place had looked like three months ago.

It was a futile effort.

Three months ago, under a beautiful red ceiling, Sarah’s apartment had been full of sleek furniture: A beautiful mahogany table, a few tasteful chairs set around it waiting for the dinner party she never threw; a comfortable armchair by the window, where she could sit and watch life pass by; an antique floor lamp she had found with James.

James had disappeared between then and now, though. Well, not disappeared exactly. Sarah knew where he was now, knew the exact address as a matter of fact: 357 E. 28th Street, apartment 12-B. The buzzer was labeled “James Preston & Molly Land”.

James left Sarah after a particularly messy fight. They had always fought, but she thought it was just part of their chemistry. His positive ions tried to squeeze past her own equally charged ones, and it would start. Sooner or later, though, the reaction would ease up and they could get to bonding.

This fight was different, though. It started when James set down his section of the newspaper and asked her, “Where are we going?”

“I thought we didn’t have plans tonight,” Sarah replied, trying to figure out 9-down.

“No, I mean, where are we going?” James asked. He was the only man Sarah had ever met who could italicize his voice. James went on to ask what Sarah thought their relationship’s future was.

She hadn’t thought much about it, and told him such. He asked her why. She asked him why it mattered if they were enjoying what their relationship currently is. He said that he wanted to know if he should look for a ring. She told him she always liked presents. He sighed, the sigh heard around the apartment.

Friday, June 11, 2010

The Case for Wayne Knight*



What a charming laugh. "Tintinnabulation" comes to mind.


For most, the name "Wayne Knight" is not instantly recognizable. But explain that he's 'Newman' from Seinfeld, and instantly people's eyes glisten with fond remembrances, as they gaze wistfully at some unknown point in the distance. Despite the ignorance of the public, Knight has amassed arguably one of the best careers in Hollywood. Not only was he in the most popular American sitcom of all time, but he was in Space Jam, a delightful romp if ever there was one. The man had to act against Michael Jordan and a green screen simultaneously! He has the technical mastery of Anthony Hopkins, and more commitment to method than Daniel Day Lewis. Those characteristic black-rimmed glasses? A result of his run-in with the Dilophosaurus in Jurassic Park. More importantly, a quick check of IMDb reveals that even though he played an electrician in Steve Martin's Cheaper by the Dozen, he went uncredited. Genius!

The fact that he's done great things with supporting roles is obvious. But did you know that he was in JFK, Basic Instinct, AND Dirty Dancing? Neither did I, until I researched this [hastily thrown together] article [because Jesus Christ, it's Friday afternoon; what do you want from me?]. So do yourself a favor, Hollywood, and give credit where it's due. Consider this an official bid for Wayne Knight for the 2011 Lifetime Achievement award.


*(Even though the heading seems like something by Oscar Wilde, the writing certainly doesn't!)

Friday mini: An antipasto before the entry (entree lol)

This dog isn't a liger. It's a golden retrievger.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Thursday Mini - Regretsy and a Picture of a Cat Staring at a Portrait of Himself

Normally, this would be where a little italicized comment goes.

Instead, I'm just going to link you to Regretsy. Read it. Blog of the week.

And for a little original content: a picture of a cat staring at a portrait of himself.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Finally, an effective health class curriculum

Debate has always raged in this country around what, when, and how much to tell children in health classes. Well now it can stop, because here at Insufficient Fare, we've assembled a perfect set of classes and lessons to prepare young teens for adult life in a healthy way. In the past, people have either told kids not to have sex or they've implied that they're not having enough sex by providing them mountains of free prophylactics in our public schools. Studies show that either way, they have the sex. The cool ones, at least. So we've decided to forgo the sex talk altogether, let them get that information from porn like God intended, and give them a set of lessons that is going to be useful to cheerleaders and D&D club members alike. Here are the first three lessons of our brand new curriculum.


Lesson 1: How to hide your pit stains
Welcome to puberty, kiddos! You'll know you're here once you have to stop wearing light colored shirts because they have dark stains the size of a handprint under the arms about a half hour after you put them on. How do you deal with this embarrassing development? Hide it, like the rest of your embarrassing, changing body. I personally recommend tank tops. In the winter, a tank top under an oversized hoodie or sweatshirt. For men, I recommend larger t-shirts and wearing a lot of black.


Lesson 2: How to hide your spontaneous boner
If at all possible, stay seated when this happens. If you need to leave your seat for some reason, there was that one part of Superbad where Jonah Hill talks about pulling the waistband of his pants over his boner. So you could try that. I don't really know much about this. Good luck, boys.


Lesson 3: Periods!
Everyone, at some point or another, has had someone tell them that periods aren't really a big deal and aren't anything to worry about. Wrong. After you have your first period, you can usually handle yourself. But the wait for your first bleeding is fraught with terror. The obsessive checking of your underwear in the bathroom between every class, the shudder of fear that goes through your body at the feeling normal vaginal wetness. I know this one girl Amanda who first met Aunt Flo in the middle of the day in sixth grade and bled through her pants so bad her mom had to come pick her up. Oh, how she cried. Do yourself a favor, girls, and just wear a pantyliner every day until you first ride the Crimson Tide.


Stay tuned for the rest of our lesson plan!

Tuesday List - Reasons Brunch Is Better Than Breakfast

  • Nobody's trying to make you eat a Clif Bar
  • You can have French fries with everything
  • If you play your cards right, you can get a milkshake instead of a smoothie
  • You can have three burgers in one day (brunch, lunch, dinner)
  • No such thing as a "brunch burrito"
  • Breakfast sounds so working-class
  • Parties don't stop 'til eight in the mawnin', so we're always in a bit of a time crunch
  • We can't even open our eyes before noon on the weekend. No really, we generally just squirm and cry like a wrinkled newborn until around 1.

Monday, June 7, 2010

I'm Pretty Sure Ma$e Is Haunting Me

Now you might read that title and think "Oh, boy. Another article where this kid displays his knowledge and 'ironic' love for a passé pop culture icon. I can hardly control myself." And while, yes, that sort of writing makes up the lion's share of my oeuvre, these experiences are unfortunately all too real.

It began a few weeks ago. When I got back to my apartment, I heard music coming from behind the closed door. At first I thought someone had broken in and was evaluating my music library so they could determine if it was worth stealing. Then I listened a little closer.

Welcome back, welcome back, (You know you like that) that betha's back
Welcome back, welcome back, (You know you like that) Harlem's back
You know you like that
Welcome back, welcome back, (You know you like that) that betha's back
You know you like that
Welcome back, welcome back, (You know you like that) Harlem's back
For those not in the know, that's the chorus to Ma$e's "Welcome Back". I don't have that song on my computer, or vinyl, or even cassingle. My hands shaking, I unlocked the door and burst in, hoping to catch the criminal in the act.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Internal monologue: Bathroom attendant

When in the hell did we hire bathroom attendants? I guess management finally decided to do something about the mess that happens during "urban" shows. Everybody knows what they mean. I own hats more "urban" than John Witherspoon.

Okay, sitting down. Cockgobbler! Why did I have to eat asparagus last night? It smells like I'm dying. This is what a corpse's piss would smell like. She's got to be noticing this. When I get out of the stall I'm going to shoot her that disarming smile like when I'm shoplifting from Duane Reade. Mostly just that one time. For the whoopsie-doodle. I gotta pray that away later.

Ugh, it's like she can tell I held half of it in. Well sorr-y for being modest, you fetishist. Maybe I should ask her name in case I slip and screw up my back, like Sandra Bullock's character in Crash. And then I realize my only friend is the maid, even though she hates me because I always make her buy flour tortillas, even though the masa are so superior.

Why, why, why are we both reaching for the faucet handle. You're turning it on for me? Does nobody realize how intrusive this is? What kind of a service makes you pay to feel guilty? Oh, Jesus, now we're touching hands. I WILL TURN THE FAUCET OFF MYSELF. Get those paper towels away from me! I have opposable thumbs for a reason, Arrania! I'll be damned if I'll be made to feel like an invalid, just to put another dollar in your coffer. To hell with you and your little basket!

At least when we part and say "thank you," we both mean "fuck you."

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Thursday Mini - J. Schechner takes on racism, wins

Two YouTube videos. Two takes on racial tension in our modern world. One low-effort high concept post.



Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Dropping Science Once Again

The science fair is a time-honored tradition for American youth. Making fun of science fair projects is a time-honored tradition for me.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010