Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Well, we're back to blogging, with a brand new blog! I'll bet you're thinking "Hey, I wonder what's been happening with these kids during their hiatus!" Well, if your guess was "I'll bet one of them sustained a debilitating knee injury," you're right!

I fell. Playing soccer. I may never play again. Not because I won't be able to, just out of spite. We're not talking wheelchair here. It's more of a temporary cane situation.

There are a lot of disadvantages to needing a cane, as you might guess. Watching old people who are better than you with their canes breeze past you on your painful crawl to your office never feels good. And having to walk down the stairs putting both feet on each step is a flashback to a part of being 3 years old that was just as frustrating now as it was then. But if you've ever wondered if there's anything you can look forward to as you age and become feeble and decrepit, I have good news for you: there are a few fun things about having a cane.

The most obvious is that if you're on the train, you'll always get a seat. Unless the train's full of assholes, which is actually even more fun. Inevitably, a massive 300-pound clod or a self-important middle-aged harpy or a J. Crew-sporting yuppie too busy chortling at the New Yorker cartoons to notice a girl, ahem, with a cane, will elbow past you at the door to take the last seat. Then what you do is look them in the eye, really play up the limp, and stagger past them.

Then brain them with your cane.

What else can you do, you ask? Well, you can stand for long periods of time without discomfort, thanks to leaning on your trusty cane. And you can be nicknamed "Tripod," regardless of penis size or gender. You can attach a magnet to the end of it and pick up spare change without troubling yourself to bend down to get it. The world is your oyster!

Okay, I'm grabbing at straws here. Having a cane is fucking terrible. The only good thing about it is being able to hit people with it.

Welcome to Insufficient Fare, bitch.

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