Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Fleet Week: a whore's time to shine

If there's any time of year that whores really get to have a field day, it's Fleet Week, which this year falls from May 26-June 2 in New York City. Of course, officially, Fleet Week is about honoring and getting to know our courageous men in uniform who defend our country's waters. There are boat parades and special events at nautical-type museums and some kind of annual tug of war thing. There's even some kind of Broadway showcase this year. I guess because Broadway is so gay. Just like our armed forces.

But really, Fleet Week is about everyone getting laid. It's a celebration and renewal of our relationship with the brave men and women who serve in our armed forces: they protect us, we all get laid on Fleet Week.

Fleet Week is really a slut's time to shine. Fleet Week is to whores as Christmas is to overly cheerful people and St. Patrick's Day is to drunks; It's a time where it's socially acceptable to let that offensive personality trait really come through.

How do you celebrate Fleet Week? Like anyone who's only in town for a few days, Naval and Marine types mostly stick to terrible chain bars and fake Irish pubs in Times Square. The best thing to do is to head for Midtown. Go to any bar in the theater district that starts with "O'." They'll be in white bellbottoms. Wear a low-cut top. Stand there. That oughta do 'er. It's easier than burning a Yule log.

I'll be out of the country for the next week because this stupid boy had to stupid start dating me and wanted to go on a stupid trip, so I'll be missing out. Fuck an extra sailor for me.

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