Thursday, April 29, 2010

Babies: Cinematic Miracles

As a man, there is a major human experience that I'm never going to get to feel: pregnancy. I'm not going to know how it feels to have a brand new life growing inside of me, to look at my child and know that I carried it for nine months. On the flip side, I'm not going to have to undergo the surgical aspects of an abortion, let alone the mental anguish it can bring about. I'm not saying this to make light of these topics - these are serious subjects, and any thoughts I could bring to discussion have already been said by scholars and thinkers greater than I.

The reason I'm thinking about this is because on April 27th, Oklahoma's state legislature overrode the governor's veto on two anti-abortion laws. Again, I don't want to debate the politics or moral ramifications of these laws. What really caught my eye was the closing paragraph, a quote from Senator Todd Lamb:

 “The goal of this legislation is just to make a statement for the sanctity of human life.... Maybe someday these babies will grow up to be police officers and arrest bad people, or will find a cure for cancer.”

Senator Lamb makes a point here, but completely ignores what these babies could be doing before they grow up. If film has taught me anything, it's that babies are truly one of life's miracles.

Baby's Day Out

Baby: "Baby" Bink Cotwell

What Does The Baby Do: Has pretty much the best goddamn day out ever. He visits a shopping mall, explores a construction site, and even goes to the zoo. He resists the impulsive makeover given to him by his kidnappers and leads the FBI right to their hideout, scoring a win for the overloaded American criminal investigation system.

What Does The Baby Teach Us: Follow your dreams, wherever they may lead you (ledge outside an apartment building, fat lady's bag). Never give up your fight (even if it means lighting a guy's crotch on fire). Also, read books.

How Would Our Lives Be Different Without The Baby: Those kidnappers would probably have taken a different child from a less affluent family. Without the means to pay the ransom, the child would probably be forced to grow up with the kidnappers and enter a life of crime. Bad baby!

Look Who's Talking and Look Who's Talking Too

Babies: Mikey (Bruce Willis!), Julie (Roseanne Barr!!) and Eddie (Damon Wayans!!!)

What Do The Babies Do: You know, I've never seen it. So I'm going to guess what each baby does based on their actors. Mikey cracks wise and smirks a whole bunch, Julie tells it like it is and takes no shit from anybody, and Eddie... aw, who cares, he probably just hangs out with his less successful brothers.

What Do The Babies Teach Us: Babies will save your marriage, or promote marriage. So if you're having trouble in a relationship, you better conceive. If your significant other doesn't like this idea, tell them to "Look at who's talking... to the hand!" Protip: indicate that it's them.

How Would Our Lives Be Different Without The Babies: More unmarried couples living in sin or something. Also, apparently in the second film, Mikey saves Julie from burning to death in a fire. So there'd be a burned baby. But if Mikey never existed to unite his family, then Julie would never exist either, and wouldn't be able to be burned in the fire...

Baby Geniuses and SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses II

Babies: There's a whole boatload of diaperclad little shits in these films. If you think I'm going to look them all up and figure out their names, well, nope. Wrong author, buddy.

What Do The Babies Do: Know the secrets of the universe. Seriously. These are the smartest goddamn babies until they turn two, at which point they become regular dum-dums like you or me. Also, in the second film, they fight evil while wearing kickass shades. It's pretty much the lifestyle I'd want if I were a divinely smart baby who still couldn't be trusted to not shit his pants.

What Do The Babies Teach Us: At the end of the first film, we're expected to still be watching it so we can figure out what this "universal truth" that babies know is. It's love. That's right, sucker, forget all you know about physics or chemistry or any other science created by the white man to enslave your mind! The universe runs on affection and love and pink heart-shaped boxes of chocolate! Suck it, Stephen Hawking, if you can get out of your stupid ass combat wheelchair.

How Would Our Lives Be Different Without The Babies: Fucked if I know. I guess we wouldn't know the ultimate secrets of the universe, although since the babies forget it when they turn two and can actually communicate with us, we wouldn't know anyways. Maybe this isn't fiction... maybe this movie is fact. Better get a wet-nap, because I just blew your mind.

So, Senator Lamb, check that out. Why wait until the baby grows up for it to "arrest bad people" or "find a cure for cancer [because it is either a superbaby or the more mundane baby genius]"? On the other hand, thanks for giving me an totally oppressive pair of laws to base a silly comedy piece on.

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