Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Tuesday Lists: Reasons to Visit Atlantic City

  • Fell into a wormhole, ended up in a time before Vegas
  • Deadbeat dad convention!!!!
  • To prove how well you're coping with the breakup
  • You wonder what happened to all those business assholes from college
  • Someone has a gun to your head and is demanding you drive them to Atlantic City
  • Casinos sometimes have free lemonade
  • Someone needs to dance in these waist-high bubbles

Friday, February 11, 2011

How to Survive Valentine's Day and other banal titles


Now I’m no scientist, but I don’t think there's ever been a successful Valentine’s Day in the history of mankind.  As a single person your only options are righteous indignation, apathy that is perceived as righteous indignation, or the Self-Loathing Triathalon; crying inconsolably, binge eating, and texting your ex.  If you’re in a relationship, you will inevitably end up disappointing or being disappointed by your partner.  “But I’m a postmodern feminist!” you shriek, man-hating harpy that you are.  “I don’t buy into Hallmark’s bullshit propaganda machine!”  We’ve all told ourselves that, but when ten o’clock hits and he still hasn’t sent you so much as a Facebook Gift of two robots holding hands, all the Virgina Woolf in the world won’t spare him your wrath.

In an effort to lessen VJJ Day anguish, here are some tips on how to weather the holiday with aplomb.  If you’re lucky, it’ll just be another day of obligatory, soul-withering existence.  And if you're emotionally honest and in a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship?  In that case I'll kindly ask you to take your business elsewhere.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

"Mad Men" Freaks Me Out

I'm not saying it's bad! Don't worry! I've never even seen a whole episode. But I can't get past how this one time back when I was living somewhere where I had cable, which was so long ago that Mad Men was not yet a phenomenon/mania/cultural touchstone, I saw a minute or so of it and I promptly stopped watching. I changed the channel. It happened. What the fuck, right? I was watching at Don (or somebody, I didn't know characters at the time) stare suggestively and uncomfortably silently across his desk at Joan (again, could have been someone else) and I just...changed the channel. It was making me uncomfortable.

Then today there's this essay about how this fellow watched the entire series and came to the sort of unbelievable conclusion that it sucks. And reading it, I realized what my deal was exactly. Everything seemed unduly sexy in those 30 or so seconds I saw. The guy was probably holding a bourbon and the woman was standing all curvily in front of him, and the show seemed to be saying, "Yeah, once you could drink at work even though that's a retarded idea and women used to be sexually harrassed way more and kept in subordinate positions because of institutionalized misogyny, and isn't that sexy?" And I thought, "Nope! It's not!" and changed the channel.

I still haven't watched it and I probably just need to try again. Although I'm pretty bad at watching TV that isn't comedy, so odds are slim that I would do this on my own unless someone directed me to a site to watch it and recommended an episode that has very few long silences filled with vacuous, steamy stares. But two things still sort of scare me about Mad Men. First, I'm afraid I'd watch it and not like it and become a social pariah. But I'm even more afraid that Mad Men is actually bad. What if that guy was right, and everyone else in the world is wrong? What does that say about us? My God, what if the smartest members of our society were bamboozled by period dress and everyone smoking sexily all the time? The whole idea freaks me out. I hope for everyone's sake that it's actually really good, and I'll probably continue to not watch it. I'm too scared.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Tuesday Lists: Real New Yorkers

  • Pretend not to know the words to "Empire State of Mind" but end up drunkenly shouting them out
  • Are rich. Or desperately poor.
  • Have been taken down a notch after accidentally referring to the NYT as "The Times" in front of people back home
  • Have cockroaches that scare their Roombas
  • Close their eyes at the Rockefeller tree lighting
  • Have "signs of bedbugs" in their recent Google searches
  • Lean against the doors. Bitch.

Bad Haircuts I Have Had

I hate my hair. It's curly without being truly wavy or without being a jewfro. When I sweat (and I sweat a lot), it sticks down to my bangs and makes me look like a big sweaty geek. Sometimes I end up having to wear a do-rag so that it doesn't get all over my eyes.

And the do-rag makes me look like a goddamn moron. Do you see what I'm doing there? I have no idea if I'm trying to do a limp-wristed Thriller dance or pretending to be a limp-wristed cat or just being a limp-wristed moron.

But I digress. My hair is pretty much the worst. "So, J. Schechner, why not get a haircut you love and learn how to maintain that style?" Well, first, I hate learning new things and especially hair things. Secondly, I can't fucking get a good haircut to save my life. Never could, never will.

Some of this might be because I get physically ill if I spend more than $20 bucks on a haircut. But I think it's a result of years of follicle abuse.

Monday, February 7, 2011